Water Water Everywhere (Actually, Water Water Nowhere, But I Seem To Be Paying For It)

Today is April Fool's Day. And aren't I just on the Train of Big Fools.

I did a rather ranting blog on Feb 6th. It was about my water bill. You can go back and read it for the full recap, but I'll give the lazier amongst you the Reader's Digest version. About five months ago, the water bills at the Podersa, my humble home, went from normal to astronomical. They did this because my water usage went from normal to astronomical. Or so the town says. I don't say it, because I've not changed one thing in my day-to-day living in the past, well, truth be told, ever, since I've lived here, but certainly not in the last five months.

And when I say the town's telling me my water usage has gone right out the proverbial wazoo, I mean it. From 3400 to 9700 gallons in one month.

The first time this happened, well.... Wait. Let's go back to the real first time it happened. The actual first time it happened was not quite a year ago. I went from a small amount to a large amount, got on the phone, and called the town. That was my first-ever phone meeting with the ubitquitous Barbara, who really is a very nice and friendly lady, and she sent someone to read my meter, and she said it was running when I wasn't home. That's apparently not a good thing in the Water World, and she had some town people to come over and dig around. They found a leak right at the meter site, right on their side of the "who pays" line, fixed it, and all was well again. Till those storied five months ago.

That was when I took that big plunge mentioned above. And from the time of that plunge till the time I'm sitting here writing this, I've just become a mental wreck.

Now back to the Reader's Digest version of that last blog. When the second big jump came, I called Barbara again, and again she had someone read my meter, and again it was running. She suggested I had a toilet running somewhere in my home, and since I just have the one, it didn't take me long to find it, and I changed all its innards and made sure they were new and secure. Still the high water bill. So I called again, and was told to test my toilet by dripping food coloring into the tank and seeing if any leaked out. I did, and it didn't. Then she said she'd send someone out again to read the meter. Again.

Of course, during all this, she kept telling me she didn't think I had a leak anywhere, because of the now-famous line which has become both the bane of my existence and the reason for my insanity. "A leak won't fix itself." See, my water usage wasn't getting larger, as would happen with a leak, or even staying the same. It was varying, up, down, 9000 gallons one month, then 7500, then 8100, then 6000. Barbara had the town do everything - everything, of course, but to have them come and dig, because it just couldn't be a leak - and finally, she sent some yoo-hoos out to read my meter when the water main was turned off. The meter didn't run when that happened, and so these yoo-hoos confirmed to me that I had a leak either under my house or in my yard. Then they wandered off to wherever town yoo-hoos wander off to, and I was left with, well, I was left with a leak that fixes itself. And not only fixes itself, but fixes itself at will, then leaks again, then fixes itself again. I called Barbara yet again, and funnily enough, this time she decided that I did in fact have a leak, self-repairable or not, and that I should call a plumber.

I was disgusted and confused, but I called my plumber, who, remember, hangs upside down like a bat 23 hours of the day, and he said he'd be around to look, but he never came. In the meantime, The Ziffel (don't even ask), the husband of my friend, workmate, and mother figure San, came over. Now, The Ziffel knows his stuff. I daresay he could build his own house, roof it, wire it, plumb it, paint it, and landscape it. He came inside the house and walked around with his ear to every wall and the floors. He said normally, and especially in a house as small as the The Pod, if there was a leak, you'd hear it. He heard nothing. Then one sunny day he came over and crawled around in my yard all morning feeling for wetness, giving-way spots, and places where there could be anything odd going on. He said, "You don't have a leak, and you need to call the town and tell them to replace your meter. If you ask, they have to do it, and that's where the real test will be. But I can guarantee you don't have a leak."

And so that was that, but I didn't call, because I'm alternately extremely busy during the day and forgetful in those rare moments of peace and quiet.

I was sitting at home about a month ago, hanging around after work, probably playing Text Twist, when I heard someone - and no, I'm not making this up - sweeping the steps in front of my dennette door. I got up to see who in the hell would be doing this, and it was my plumber. Yes, he'd turned himself upright and headed over to have a look around. He did the same thing inside that The Ziffel did, checking faucets and hoses and toilets and bathtubs, listening here, rubbing there, he looked behind the latticework in the laundry room where the water heater sits, pronounced it "dry as a bone," then he went underneath my house to the crawlspace. He was gone awhile, then came back to the door and told me he saw nary a leak, and that I needed to call the town and tell them something was wrong with the meter.

And so that was that again, but again I didn't call, because of the above reasons, and also because I'm kind of backwards, and I had a feeling they'd tell me I couldn't have a new meter and that would hurt my feelings.

But yesterday I paid bills. A depressing thing in the best of times, but there was my water bill, all $65.72 of it, staring me in the face. And I knew it was now or never.

I always pay my water bill at the town office's drive-through. (Sorry, can't bring myself to use "thru.") It's on the way home, and I just pop by at lunch, hand them my check, they stamp it, and give me my portion back. So I have several months' worth of stubs in the visor of podmobile2. For those I don't have, I have a check register. Those only have prices, of course, not water usage, but I started looking at what I had. I've got an array of water bills since July that range from $40.02 to $67.61 to $31.64 to $65.43 to $57.62 - well, you get the idea. There's absolutely no pattern there.

So today I asked San (the mother figure, you know), "Now, if I call them and tell them I want a new meter, they have to do it, right?" And she said, "Of course they do. They're the town, you're the citizen, you're paying your bills, they have to do it." And so, and I'm not kidding here, I dialed the town offices with one hand while white-knuckle gripping my current water bill and check in the other. And I got my old friend Barbara.

And while Barbara was still very nice and friendly, and really, I do like her a lot even though we've never actually met, she pretty much told me that I wasn't getting a new meter. She said, and get this, you'll love it, that something really bizarre had to be going on before the supervisors would OK a new meter install. By something bizarre, I can only imagine they mean a little green man pops out of your meter every hour on the hour and does a naked toe-dance in your yard for the neighbors before heading back underground.

And so I went on again, and again Barbara said she'd have someone read my meter, which, honestly, that just gets right up my snout, it's the same fucking meter I've had all this time, and yes, once again, Barbara used that tried and true phrase, "A leak won't fix itself." And when she did, I just kind of lost it.

And I did in fact get to use the phrase that I hedged on using during our last phone call, and told her that apparently I did have a leak that fixed itself. Then, well, it's sad to say, I just began to plead. Like a man being strapped in the electric chair.

I just kept telling her, "You're reading my water usage to me over all these months, and it goes from 9000 to 7000 to 8000 to 6000. Do you not think that's odd? If I'd normally been using 2500 gallons a month, and I have a month where my usage decreases 2000 gallons? That means I'm basically using no water for an entire month."

Barbara said she certainly felt for me (I think what she felt was a need to get me off the phone), and that she'd print out my entire saga there and send it over to her supervisor and see what he had to say. But she's still sending someone over to read my meter tomorrow.

My meter must be one hell of a good read.

I'm supposed to hear from her tomorrow afternoon. I'll keep you posted.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, tell me about your breakfast cereal.
- Honorable mention goes to LilyG, with her, "Doctors ecstatic -- nuts, leaves, young locusts." Leaves!
- Runner-Up goes to Kellie (with an ie), and her, "Dainty Egg Noodles. Like Yodeling Lederhosen." Sorry, I loved that she worked the Yodeling Lederhosen in there.
- And this week's winner is the dishy Michelle, with her, "Damaged, excreted nuts, legumes, yellow lentils." Finally - a place for damaged nuts.
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!