I Know It's Wrong, But It Feels Too Good To Stop

I do something that drives my buddy Mr M pretty much batshit crazy. I do a rather long laundry list of those things, actually, but there's only one I'm going to tell you about today.

See, we'll be driving in the car, or sitting around on the couches at his house, Poderosa East, and we'll be having a conversation. Maybe he'll ask me if I want to go to Office Max, that he knew I was looking for some ink cartridges, and he needs a few things, and then he'll ask where I'd like to go afterwards for dinner.

And my reply will be that sure, I'll go to Office Max with him, though I've already been earlier in the day looking for my cartridges to no avail, but I can browse while he gets his items, and I wouldn't mind a trip to Famous Anthony's afterwards for a cheeseburger and fries. I like their food, even though the service leaves a lot to be desired.

Only I'll forget where I am and who I'm with, and the reply will come out like this.

"I'll go, but I done been to Office Max once today lookin' for those cartridges, and they don't have none. I ain't gonna care if you look around for some stuff, though. And I wanna go to Famous Anthony's for cheeseburgers and fries. Cause you know, I love me some taters. Even though the waiters don't got much on the ball."

And sometimes Mr M will call me on it, and sometimes he'll just shake his head and look at me with that expression that says, "You poor little fool." I know that expression well.

I can't help it, though. Well, I guess I can help it, I just don't want to. I call it Hillbonics.

Hillbonics are just, I don't know, they just go with the territory where my friends and I are concerned. We'll get together and talk, and we know the right way to say things, but the more we talk and the more animated we get about what we're saying - sometimes it just has to be said in really bad grammar.

And you know, Mr M should take that as a compliment. After all, he's the one who's always saying, when I'm at his house and feeling kind of lazy and want him to do something like make coffee, or cut up some pepperoni to snack on, "Hey, you're not company, you're family. You do those things yourself." And since I'd never go into a spate of Hillbonics when I'm around folks I wouldn't classify as close friends, he should consider himself family and not company in my world.

But he doesn't. Which is not to say he's not intrigued by the whole Hillbonics World.

In fact, he's been trying to learn some Hillbonics (or should I say, "Learn him some Hillbonics"). He likes to throw in "plum" and "shorely" and the occasional "that-there," for which he should be commended, but he won't won't pass the goal line of bad grammar to score his touchdown.

Cut to today, when I stormed into the office after lunch, more than a bit pissed off because once again the 1200-pound door at the back of our office was stuck. Sure, I could have said, "They need to do something about that door." But it packs no punch. Slightly less punch than, "They need to do something about that fucking door." No, I was pissed about it, and only, "They gonna have to do something about that door" would work. And it did, because the other girls in the office rallied around me, united in hate against that door.

Now, we're not stupid enough to go to the landlord and say, "You gonna have to do something about that door." That would be wrong, and it would be awful. We would simply go to the landlord and ask him to fix the door, as it was stuck once again.

Later in the day, after I'd reached into the pocket of my new pants and found a little sticker saying, "Inspected by 37" in there, this little exchange took place:

Me: Hmmm. My pants were inspected by #37. (Truth be told, I said, "My paints were inspected by #37.")
Boss: Did they pass?
Me: Well, they ain't fell off yet, so I guess they did.

Because "ain't fell off" is much more fun than "haven't fallen off." See, I know which is right, and I know which is fun.

I've also been caught by my podcast-mate Stennie going a little over the edge on the Hucklebug. And it happens because I'm feeling loose and happy and unconstrained (whether lubricated with alcohol or not), and the listeners are my friends, and, "I don't got a highlight this week" pops out instead of, oh, say, "Tsk, tsk, I haven't a single highlight to my name." Which I don't think I'd ever say anyway, even in a room containing Queen Elizabeth and the Pope, so maybe that was a bad example.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, except back to that spot that says sometimes it's just fun to let loose with some grammar that would make my past English teachers' heads explode, just like it's fun sometimes to let out with a string of curse words that would embarrass a ship full of sailors. And that, just like with the cursing, you have to be around the right group of people to do it.

I can remember not so long ago when Ebonics were all the rage, and English professors were publishing articles about it being the death of the English language, writing those articles at the same time other English professors were welcoming it as a modern mode of speech and writing. Both sides were wrong. (Yes, the Oracle of Bet has spoken.) Ebonics are fine when used to embellish a conversation with some like-minded folks. I'm just not sure I'd want to read a research paper, "The Effects of the Presidency of Millard Fillmore on the Average 21st Century American," written in Ebonics. Or plain English or any other language, and once again I seem to be drifting.

Just rest assured that if I'm in your presence and start spouting lines that make me sound like I've been raised in the hills, well, I have. But I still know the correct way it goes.

It just means I done decided you're my friend.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, what are you all spending your stimulus checks on?
- Runner-Up goes to LilyG, with her, "Help educate darling Nick, needs PHD."
- And this week's winner is Kellie (with an ie), with her, "Have Entertaining Dinner. Need New Patio."
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!