Mea Culpa

Check the news. Go ahead, I dare you. Boy, has there been a lot of apologizing going on lately.

I mean, just Friday I blogged about Sharon Stone and her "karma" misstep, and it didn't take long - well, until people started hissing when she walked down the street - for her to start falling over herself with apologies. Little Miley Ray Hannah Montana girl was giving the puppy eyes and the "I'm sorry" all over the place when she showed up on the cover of Vanity Fair all tarted up and naked. She didn't apologize for her father's mullet and the fact that he sang "Achy Breaky Heart," which would probably have been more appropriate. But I guess that's his apology to make.

In other celebrity knee-dippings and grovelings, Joaquin Phoenix issued an apology for missing the Cannes Film Festival - because he has the stomach flu. He apologized because he's sick. I mean, I'm sure he's very sorry he has the stomach flu, and though I don't know him, I'm rather sorry he has the stomach flu. But he doesn't have to project an apology overseas for there being one less monkey at the circus that is Cannes.

Hulk Hogan's son Nick is apologizing profusely for causing a car accident that left his (presumably former) friend in a something of a vegetative state. "I apologize.... Every single day I think about the accident and John." Yes, apparently you are thinking of it every day - as you sit in your jail cell trying to cop a deal for a reality TV show about what it will be like when you get out of prison. (This is true, I'm not making this up. I wish I was. Sorry.) (See? Now they've got me doing it!)

Jerry Springer recently apologized for, well, for "The Jerry Springer Show." And that's one apology I was happy to see. Apparently he's not so sorry for it he's giving back all the money he made, but in an effort to wipe his slate clean and get on to loftier pursuits like hosting "America's Got Talent," he's burying the hatchet with us all for perpetrating "The Jerry Springer Show" on us for, what, 15 years? Is he just now sorry, or was he sorry the whole time? Couldn't he have gotten really sorry about it about four years in and ended the whole thing?

In sports backdowns, Roger Clemens is terribly sorry for having an affair with country singer Mindy McCready when she was only 15. Actually, he's terribly sorry it came out that he had an affair with country singer Mindy McCready when she was only 15. Actually, Clemens should just issue a blanket apology for being a total blowhole, and for promising to retire over and over. Oddly enough, Ms McCready has been mum on the whole affair subject, but a while back she apologized for being caught drinking and driving for about the 12th time.

The Beijing Olympic Committee is just crushed and sorry that they issued volunteers a handbook on dealing with the throngs of tourists coming to the Olympics that had a little section called, "Dealing With The Disabled." This section contained such nuggets of wisdom as the disabled have "unusual personalities because of their disfigurements," and that the disabled also "can be very stubborn and controlling." Which you know, the disabled can be stubborn and controlling. They can also be very nice folks. The able-bodied can be stubborn and controlling as well. They should have just left out the title of the chapter "The Disabled," and substituted "Olympics Fans In General."

The world of politics is awash in apologies. This is because politicians are generally boobs and idiots and are always sticking their foot in it, coupled with the fact that politicians are never supposed to, on occasion, eat their feet.

Bill Clinton is apologizing to a journalist from Vanity Fair for calling him "sleazy" and "a scumbag." Which, you know, if that's what Bill thinks, it's what he thinks, I don't see why he should apologize for it. Of course, he should have just called the fellow a sleazy scumbag to his face instead of in the national papers. I have a feeling, though, Bill isn't the least bit sorry the Miley Ray Hannah Montana girl got naked and tarted up for a cover of Vanity Fair.

Bill's wife and limping candidate Hillary has had to do her share of sorrying. First there was that whole "I was in Bosnia with bullets flying past my head" statement, which proved to be untrue, and to her credit, she pretty much came out and said, "Hey, I'm sorry, I kind of, well, you know, lied." Takes a fair amount of guts. Then she made that gaffe that still boggles the mind, or my mind, because it was so bizarre and out of left field. That one a couple of weeks ago about her staying in the race until the California Primary because, well, you know, that's where Robert Kennedy was assassinated. Huh? She didn't quite cop to much when apologizing for that one, that one was more of an, "I'm so sorry everyone in the free fucking world took that the wrong way." I guess one "it's my fault, totally" is enough for her.

Obama's not immune. He's had to apologize a couple of times recently, one for the zany-ass church he attends, it's more dinner theatre, really, and performances that have taken place on the stage. Uh, pulpit. First there was Reverend Jeremiah Whore, sorry, Wright, who was just dying to get in the spotlight - and did. Then came the just as odious Reverend Michael Pfleger, who certainly could take the church version of the Oscar (©) with his impersonation of Hillary Clinton. Obama has apologized for the goings-on in his church so much - well, so much he left the church! Which must be kind of sad, as they sure put on an entertaining Sunday morning service, but if the performances keep up Barack will still be able to view them on all the news shows through the week.

Then, Barack recently apologized to news reporter Peggy Agar for saying to her - yes, for actually saying to her, when she asked him a question while he was occupied with some other people, "Just one second, sweetie." Well, I never! The nerve! What has the world come to when, instead of ignoring the woman right out, he turns to her to acknowledge he sees her, then calls her what I consider a term of endearment. No, "Beat it, sleazebag," no, "Outta my way, bitch." "Just one second, sweetie." Well, anyway, he called and left a flowery message of apology on her answering machine.

On the subject of zany-ass preachers, John McCain has had to apologize for his association with John Hagee, the creepy conservative shithead preacher who hates gays, Jews, Catholics, and anyone not just like him, and almost said that Hitler wasn't such a bad guy. McCain started running, hands waving in the air, from this man, and said he was sorry the shithead seemed to like him so much. Once the press got hold of some of Hagee's rantings, anyway.

Dick Cheney, who has, let's face it, so much to apologize for, tried to make a joke earlier this week when talking about his family tree. He mentioned inbreeding, he mentioned West Virginia. And Senator Robert Byrd mentioned something about taking him behind the White House and kicking his ass till he had his fourth heart attack, but was kind enough to do it in private so it didn't make the papers. Now Cheney has apologized to West Virginia, inbreeders, and anyone else who'll still listen to this douchebag.

Oddly enough, you know who isn't apologizing? Right. George Bush. This is because George Bush never apologizes. George Bush is like the schoolyard bully who does whatever it takes to get what he wants. He's the one man with the most to apologize for.

He won't, though. Never will. But I will. I'm truly sorry I live in a country full of people stupid enough to have voted for the man not once, but twice.

Hear me? I'm sorry!

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So speaking of politicians, tell me your campaign promises.
- Honorable Mention goes to - ME! (cause no one else played)
- Runner-Up goes to River Selkie (you are not an acronothing!), with her, "No lacey tights, real gams exposed!" Going for the sex vote!
- And this week's winner goes to DeepFatFriar, with his, "Nuclear lemon trees! Revivication! Genetic engineering!" I didn't realize the Looney Party was back on the ticket!
- Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well!