Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Worst TV Show Ever

Hello.

Let's talk TV. Now, I know I just made a brash title up there. The Worst TV Show Ever? Think of the contenders! Since the television was invented, there have been thousands of rotten shows.

However, the one I'm referring to isn't a sitcom, or drama, or even a sports show. And I have to tell you that I'm making the call here about it being the Worst TV Show Ever after only seeing it twice. Which may not seem very fair, but I think I'm justified.

The Worst TV Show Ever is "Showbiz Today," on CNN Headline News.

Now, "Showbiz Today" has actually been around forever. Think about Ted Turner, and you'll realize that it's been around since, oh, 4 minutes after the introduction of "Entertainment Tonight." Ted was famous for that shit, taking whatever new show had just come out, doing the same show with a cheesily similar name, and slapping it on CNN. "Showbiz Today" used to be a perfect clone of "Entertainment Tonight," and there was nothing wrong with that, it was what it was, and it also had Bill Tush as an anchor, and I refuse to diss anything he was in because I loved the man.

But then "Showbiz Today" faded from view. For a long time. And CNN Headline News stopped being what it was billed as, headline news, and started having actual TV shows programmed into it. Really bad shows. It was a match made in heaven, bringing back "Showbiz Today," expanding it (inexplicably) to an hour, and sticking it into Headline News' new "real show" schedule.

And that's exactly what they did. I now pronounce you network and show.

So I've known about "Showbiz Today" being there on the teevee for some time, but I've not seen it because, well, because I've had no desire to see it. I see all the celebrity crap I care to see going to news websites. After all, CNN and MSNBC treat Britney Spears' running over a photographer's toe with the same importance they do a Middle Eastern summit meeting.

However, I went to bed very late one night last week. It may have been Thursday, but it doesn't really matter. It was late, and I was lying in bed, and I needed some sort of noise in the background, so I flipped on the TV. I'm not sure how I ended up on "Showbiz Today," probably because my glasses were off and I was pushing buttons in the dark, but land there I did. And within about 15 minutes I was lying there, not sleeping, saying, "Holy Lord a Mercy, this is the Worst TV Show Ever."

And see, here's the thing. The reason this show is the Worst TV Show Ever isn't because of the content, well, necessarily, though the content's certainly pretty lame. It's the way the show is set up.

Here's what I experienced lying there in my bed last week.

OK, now the big news that day was that apparently Hulk Hogan was getting death threats, and someone leaked the tapes. Ohhh, yes, I'm sure that has you near the pants-peeing stage, as it did me. It was Big News in the "Showbiz Today" world. Who was sending these threats, and who leaked the tapes? I was there in bed, wishing I was asleep, not giving a flying fuck about any of that - I mean, I can't imagine anyone not sending Hulk Hogan death threats. I was thinking of working up a few myself, only I don't care enough to pay for the phone call to make them.

Anyway, I'm getting way off the beaten path here, and my blog's going to end up being too long anyway, but I had to tell you what the big story was to tell you this.

The show comes on. The host says, "Welcome to 'Showbiz Today,' the most provocative entertainment show on the air." Then he says, "Tonight's breaking story - Hulk Hogan and those death threats - the tapes have been leaked and you'll hear them. But who leaked them? We have an interview with some hoo-hah who has the tapes [my term, not his]." Then a woman, a co-host I guess, popped up and said, "Joan Rivers booted off the air for using the f-word, Denise Richards talking about Charlie Sheen - I'll tell you who I think should just zip it." Apparently Just Zip It is a regular feature, and in introducing that feature, the woman did indeed tell us who she was going to tell to just zip it, so I don't know why they even let her come on the air at that point. She let the cat out of the bag in the first 15 seconds of the show.

So the introduction's over and the show begins. And the host says, "Welcome to 'Showbiz Today,' the most provocative entertainment show on the air." Then he says, "Tonight's breaking story" - and yes, he repeats everything he just said ver batim. Then the woman pops up on a split screen and says, "And I'm going to tell you who I think just just zip it. Joan Rivers got botoed off the air..." and she repeats everything ver batim.

So the host says Mr Hogan has been receiving these death threats, they play some of them, they're silly, they go to the hoo-hah with the tapes, who's a close personal friend of the Hogans and thus proving the Hogans themselves have handed him these tapes, and the host asks who made them and the hoo-hah says he doesn't know, and the host asks who leaked them and the hoo-hah says he's not telling. So the host says, we'll be back with more of this exclusive interview in a few minutes.

Then they switch to the woman on split screen and she says, "Joan Rivers was booted off the air using the f-word, Denise Richards talking about Charlie Sheen - I'll tell you who I think should just zip it." And they go to a commercial.

And I'm not making this up. I hung on for about 40 minutes until I finally and thankfully fell off to sleep, but there was a five minute interview wherein the hoo-hah denied knowing anything, another five minute follow-up of this exclusive interview where the host asked the hoo-hah the same questions and got the same answers, and the rest of that 40 minutes was the host and co-host telling us what was coming up. And in telling what was coming up, they told us the whole story anyway!

This show should have been 10 minutes long! It's an hour!

Well, needless to say, I slept fitfully that night and dreamed of Joan Rivers telling Hulk Hogan to "fucking zip it" or she'd kill him, and when I woke up I thought maybe this was a one-off thing and I was being too harsh. So, and yes, I know it's hard to believe and I should be slapped for it, I made it a point to watch another episode. In fact, I taped one so I could take a few notes.

I taped last night's. I ended up with six pages of notes. I promise you, I'll condense like there's no tomorrow.

OK. The big stories on "Showbiz Today," the most provocative entertainment show, were:

* Hollywood's Baby Drama - has Hollywood influenced the so-called "baby pact" high school kids in Massachusetts?
* Divorce Wars! Stunning court decisions in the Christie Brinkley divorce, and more fighting in the Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen divorce, even though they'd said they were pleased with the judge's initial decision.
* Angelina vs Britney - who's hotter? A smackdown! You'll be surprised at the results!

So there you go. Those announced, we go to a commercial. We come back. "Smackdown! Angelina vs Britney - who's hotter? How did Britney win? We'll tell you a little later!" (Well, so much for "who's hotter," you fucking told us, you dickweeds.)

But first, Hollywood Baby Drama - the shocking story of unwed Hollywood mothers influencing young girls. And so we blah de blah de blah about all the pregnant unmarried Hollywood actresses showing off their stomachs and negotiating to sell their baby pics, and how that makes little girls across the country be pregnant and unmarried. We have psychologists and magazine editors arguing with the host. He can't get a word in edgewise, the only moment of happiness I had during this whole debacle. He's had enough. He turns to the camera.

"Next - Divorce Wars! Speaking of teens, a teenager broke up Christie Brinkley's marriage. We'll tell you about the stunning court decision in her divorce. Also Denise Richards/Sheen" on and on he completely repeats the whole thing from the beginning of the show ver batim. However, he has a trick up his sleeve and announces they're also going to tell us when they come back that Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father bought a bunch of her old lingerie as a gift for the baby. Oh, they're going to tell us that when they get back. How kind of them. Oh, and Angelina and Britney and the smackdown and the surprise and the hotter one.

Now I have to give the guys credit on this one, because when we came back from the commercial we got something completely new. The Amy Winehouse deathwatch (please, we've waited too long already), and that she has emphysema and was smoking coming out of the hospital. "Emphysema - I'm shocked!" the host says to the special correspondent, "Aren't you?" She replies that she's shocked in the way that emphysema is what her grandmother has, and her grandmother is 88 years old. She says, "I mean, who gets emphysema at age 24?" And the host answers, "Someone who lives like Amy Winehouse."

Now, Mr Host, if you answer that someone who lives like Amy Winehouse gets emphysema at age 24 - why in the fiery fuck are you shocked at the news?

God, I hate you, Mr Host.

After that little exchange, the host tells us that Christie Brinkley's divorce had a stunning decision by the judge, and that Angelina and Britney are in a smackdown over who's hotter, and that we'll be surprised at the answer (even though earlier he told us it was Britney), and that we'd get to all that when we came back from the commercial.

And this is sad, but I don't know what the saddest part is. That I was still watching the show, that the the show wasn't even halfway through, or that I was only on page three of my notes. They're all equally sad. And I guess the saddest thing ever in history would be for me to go through the next three pages of my notes, so I won't.

Just suffice to say that for the next half-hour we get more previews of what's coming up, the Angelina vs Britney smackdown that they've already told us who won, the Christie Brinkley divorce stunner that they eventually tell us - in a preview, no less - is that Brinkley won a public trial, and they also tell us that that Richards/Sheen thing is coming up, and that it's going to be that Charlie Sheen wasn't happy his girls missed a visitation.

There was a small tribute to George Carlin, one that lasted about 1/16 of the time they've spent up to now telling us what's coming up and what's in what's coming up, and then they give us a "sneak preview" of a movie called "Eagle Eye," but it's not a sneak preview, it's a trailer.

And finally the host says, "And that's it!"

Although I was thinking, "That's it? You bastards wasted another hour of my life." But I guess I shouldn't have been thinking that, because I did sign up for the viewing.

Thing is, I have a feeling absolutely no one watches this show, and I have a feeling it'll be on for at least the next ten years. Think of the amount of times they can tell us what's coming up, and what's in what's coming up, in ten years.

Stay tuned, and I'll be back to tell you how many times they can tell you what's coming up. It's 14 million, and I'll tell you, coming right up.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* No acrowinners tonight. I got lazy. Can't a girl get lazy sometimes?

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