Thoughts Of A Woman Who Hasn't Blogged In A While

It's been a while since I sat down here and actually wrote something, so I'm making myself do so tonight. A couple of things that are on my mind....

There's a commercial that plays on our local TV station. It's for an area funeral home. Normally when funeral home commercials come on the screen I change the channel, because frankly, I don't want to think about funeral homes. But this one came on one morning while I was getting dressed and I didn't get a chance to reach for the remote.

Now that I've seen it, there's no going back.

I don't know why it strikes me like it does. I guess because it's so peppy. It says, "We're a funeral home and crematorium! It's a perfect combination!"

It's creepy. It's also not true.

I mean, a funeral home and crematorium is a natural combination, right? It's not a perfect combination, like chocolate and peanut butter, or jeans and tennis shoes. A funeral home and crematorium should be together. If they're on opposite sides of town, that's just silly. "OK, burners on the west side of town, planters on the east." Silly.

To me, a "perfect combination" would be something like a full-service garage and spa. You take your car in for an overhaul, then go upstairs and have an overhaul yourself.

Or a 1-hour dry cleaners and pedicure station. You know, lay the dirty clothes on the counter, go sit down, relax, pop off your shoes, and by the time your toenail polish is dry, your clothes are clean.

How about a dog boarding kennel and obedience school? Go on vacation a couple of weeks, board the unruly dog, then come back home and pick up a mother's angel.

My brother-in-law always thought the perfect combination would be a laundromat and sports bar. Stick the clothes in the washer and head over for a beer and to watch the game. I have a feeling somewhere in America at least one of those exists nowadays.

Years ago my sister and I came up with the idea of a clothes library. You check out clothes, be they wedding dresses, formal attire, or work suits, wear them, have them cleaned (perhaps at the pedicure dry cleaners), then return them. Stick the clothes library with a beauty salon or a shoe store. There's a perfect combination.

Saying a funeral home and crematorium are a perfect combination is like saying a station that sells gas and has air pumps has a perfect combination. There's no imagination.

As some of you may know, one of the reasons I seem to be away from blogland lately is because I've been trying to get ready for this recital I'm playing with Mr M. Now, let's get this right out of the way - I'm only playing one song in the recital. God help us all if I was playing more. Just the one has me goofy enough.

I was at my hinkiest weekend before last. Nothing was going right. I couldn't play it fast enough. Every piece of advice Mr M gave me I concentrated on, then screwed up everything else. I was argumentative, I was bitchy, I was pretty much unbearable.

Last week, Wednesday to be exact, he did a preview of a good deal of his recital at a retirement community where the Community Band plays a lot. It was a great setting to play in front of an audience without the formality of what was to come. He asked me if I'd like to do our number there, and I said yes. It would be good practice.

And it was. It could have been better, that's for sure, but it could have been worse. Mr M seemed to think I did just fine, but I know where I messed up. Flubbed two passages and squeaked in two.

But you know, it has - for now, anyway - helped with the nerves.

LilyG and I have had conversations from time to time I like to call WWTCH. What's the Worst That Can Happen. You know, I worry a lot about a lot of things, and sometimes I have to step back and use Lily's phrase. What's the worst that can happen. That came in handy on Wednesday, and I realized a couple of things after I'd played.

So - what is the worst than can happen?

I guess that I'd get totally lost in the piece and we'd have to stop and start over. I'd ruin Mr M's recital.

No I wouldn't. I'd look like a big-ass fool, but I'm only one part of his long recital. Only he can ruin his recital.

So, I'd look like a big-ass fool. I'd be embarrassed. I don't think that's exactly the end of my life.

And you know what? Clarinet players squeak. They don't want to - I don't want to. But it happens, and if it does, there's not a thing I can do about it. I can't go back and make it not have happened.

And as far as flubbing lines, this was perhaps the best revelation that came from playing on Wednesday. Those people in the audience don't know the music we're playing. They don't have it in front of them, printed in the program. If I flub a measure or two and keep swaying around like I'm nailing it, what the hell are they going to know any different, right?

So right now I'm pretty calm. I played the piece over twice tonight, and I didn't go into serious practice. No taking of specific measures and working on them. When I do that, that's when I start thinking too much and it all goes to hell.

So my goal for the recital is to have fun. If I have fun, the audience will too, and maybe I'll play it well, and maybe I won't. Hell, maybe Mr M will flub a measure. Then we can compare mistakes afterwards.

Anyway, it all comes off Thursday, so keep a good thought. I should have tapes, so I'll find a way to get them posted so you can hear. If it stinks, I'll put up the one from last Wednesday. Because, you know, I do have a little pride.

Finally, there is a new movie up at the Comfy Chair Cinema. It's called "Game Night!" and it's certainly not my best effort. But what the hell. Hey, what's the worst than can happen - you won't like it?

Go and give it a try.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! Wow, the entries! So, tell us all the title of the movies about your life.
- Honorable Mentions go to Patrick, with his, "Tedious Acts of Rare Excitement," (the closest to what mine would be, actually), and DeepFatFriar, with his, "That Asshat? Ongoing Relentless Ennui." (Can't go wrong using "asshat," I say.)
- Runners-Up go to LilyG, with her, "Taking Advantage Of Righteous Education," (that's a Yalie for you), and Mike the blogless, with his, "The Antagonizing Of Roger Ebert."
- And this week's winner goes to Stennie, with her, "The Adventures of Raving Egomaniac!" (I actually loved "This Ain't Over, Ralph Edwards," and I'm asking to borrow that for the title of my autobiography, but for Stennie, well, the winner was the winner.)
- Thanks to all who played - you've all done very well!