Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain!

As we all know, the Olympics are now in full swing. And now the secrets are coming out.

Not that I'm a normally a big conspiracy person. I mean, to me, it was bound to happen. You take a country with a governmental history like China's, what did you think? It was all going to be sweetness and light? Well, sure you did, because that's what you're seeing. It's what you're supposed to see.

In the opening ceremonies, which were fun to look at, and I had fun looking, there were smiling drummers and smiling singers and smiling dancers. Everyone was smiling except the soldiers who carried the Chinese flag to the pole, and they were so not smiling I had to hide my face under my blankie out of fear. It was like the Wicked Witch showed up in the stadium all of a sudden, appearing in that red smoke right in the middle of Dorothy frolicking around with Toto. They frowned and goose-stepped their way to the flagpole and hoisted the flag, then it was back to the Happy Faces of China.

Were they happy faces though? I mean, the faces were, but what about the people behind them? Because, if you listened or have read anything since, the performers were told by Olympic organizers that they weren't smiling enough and they should be projecting a happier vision of Chinese life and culture, and so they'd better smile, dammit, or face the business end of a whip behind a locked door. And so they were smiling like a country possessed.

The opening ceremonies also featured a little girl who sang a song, a song of great national importance, and she was just as cute as a bug's ear. If you got up out of your chair and stuck your head out your window, you could hear the sound of a world full of people all going "awwwww" at the same time. It was obvious to me the little cutie was lip syncing, but I didn't pay much attention to it because no one really sings anymore, especially at a big stadium-held production like the Super Bowl or the Olympics. Only yesterday did the news break that not only was the little cutie lip syncing, she was doing so to someone else's voice.

Yes, Lin Miaoke, the little cutie we saw, was actually pretending to sing while the voice of 7-year old Yang Peiyi was booming throughout the stadium. Turns out that Yang had the amazing voice, but Lin had the look. According to the ceremonies' director, and I quote here, "The reason was for the national interest. The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling, and expression. Lin Miaoke is excellent in those aspects."

So Yang had the voice, but apparently her crooked bangs and crooked teeth kept her from singing - or at least lip syncing to her own voice - on the night of the ceremonies. The director stressed that the decision went way up the power chain, right to the old Politburo.

You can go here and read the cnn.com version of the story, and I hope you do, because it has pictures of both little girls. And while Lin is as cute as a bug's ear - Yang is cuter than a bug's ear. Her crooked bangs and crooked teeth are what make her about the cutest little thing in China.

(Notice I said "about." I think the clear winner for cutest little thing in China goes to 9-year old Lin Hao, the little boy who marched along to help lead the Chinese team into the stadium. Lin was trapped under his school during the recent earthquake, managed to pull himself out, then went back time after time to pull out his classmates. When asked about this, he replied, "I had to do it. I was a class leader." Please, and I'm begging here, if any of you find out that this is also a government-concocted story, do not tell me. I love this story so much I cried with happiness at being a member of the human race when I heard it.)

Fireworks? Hell of a fireworks display at the opening ceremonies. Of course, we've found out in the last couple of days it wasn't really all it appeared to be on the TeeVee, either. Apparently the huge fireworks display that burst around into the shape of footprints were actually faked. Yes, CGI'ed and pre-recorded.

How hinky does your country have to be to - well, to be the country who invented fireworks and have to use fake ones? Fireworks are spectacular in any setting, it's the fucking Olympics, people are in a frenzied state anyway - they'd go apeshit if you just sent up a regular 4th of July display. It was all good enough, folks. You didn't have to fake us out as well.

OK, so the ceremonies ended and the games began, and then we had to hear about the small piece of news that the Chinese womens gymnastics team may have some members who are woefully underage. See, 16 is the age to play, and while every other country in the world left their wondertots at home, China had them right there in the country and figured they'd use them. They vehemently deny this, of course, but listen. I watched the preliminaries. If some of those girls are 16, I'll get out there and do a double-twisting frappe, blindfolded, right there on the balance beam. There were a couple of girls I'd be surprised were more than 12.

To be honest, I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often, especially in countries where everything's a big secret, and I can remember where a reverse version of this happened in the Little League World Series. Some kid pitched who we later were shocked to find was too old, even though at the time he sported a mustache and drove himself home from the game.

Nothing we can do about that, though, if China has a piece of paper and a scary-looking guy holding it saying that a 3 foot 1, 49 pound girl is 16, I guess she's 16. I hope she spent a lot of time memorizing, "I was born in 1992," or she may also be the recipient of the business end of a whip behind a locked door.

However, what's really zinging my brain all over the house about these games. The timing. See, China's a half a world away from us. There's a time difference of 12 hours. And you know what that means, Olympics nuts - spoilers! The results are out there before you get to see the action at home in your living room.

This is a long-debated subject, and personally, I kind of like it. I can remember the last Olympics at our office. Well, they weren't held in our office, they were held in Athens. But there in our office at TheCompanyIWorkFor, round about 4pm every day, one of us would hit cnn.com, and ask the question. "Want to know results or not?" And we're all kind of nosy there and when you have the results a click away, well, it's hard not to push that button.

Like I said, I kind of like it that way. Most of the time it would make no difference in my watching or not, and I'm not so caught up in the whole circus that I must watch it as if it's happening live.

But this year, my friends and blogees, I can't find any damn results!

I had become convinced that this was some sort of Red Chinese Conspiracy. They were holding the results of the events until after they showed on Big Western TV Networks to keep people watching. But apparently that's not the case.

I went batshit crazy online looking for some evidence of this conspiracy, and everything I read, things written by men and women who get paid to write about such things so it must be true, everything I read said that most of the Big-Ass Special Events (BASE), your swimming finals, your gymnastics finals, would actually be shown live.

And so it's not a Red Chinese Conspiracy, it's a Red Chinese Hooptiedooptie, for why would a country so absolutely life-and-death hinky about holding an Olympics schedule huge events like the 100-meter freestyle or the team gymnastics championship at 8, 9, or 10 in the morning? It boggles the mind. Or this one, anyway.

Sadly, there's one event that does seem to have become a victim of the Red Chinese Conspiracy. The clarinet events. They're still in the preliminary heats, but I've not heard one report of the sightreading, scales, or any other part of the clarinet events.

All I can say is "Go, Team Italy!"

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Japan has the most dour and depressing national anthem I believe I've ever heard.
* Acrowinners, we have Olympic Acrowinners! So, what did the wasp say to the girl he was about to sting?
- The bronze goes to LilyG, with her "Ouch? Little filly, experience beautiful rapture."
- The silver goes to Kellie with an ie, with her "Oh, look, favorite eats! Bet's right."
- And the gold medal goes to the dishy Michelle, with her "Oy, let's feast! (excitedly bites rump)" I love the idea of a wasp saying "oy."
- Thanks to all who played - now stand at attention for the national anthems.