CSI: Podunkville

(Imagine the dulcet tones of Jack Webb)

This is the city. Actually, it's not, it's the town, and the county. Wait, I'll start over.

This is the sticks. Southwest Virginia and Southern West Virginia. The stories you are about to read are true. The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. And the guilty. And Bet.

I don't get our local paper. It's a waste of 50 cents, and when you think about what a small amount 50 cents is, that's saying something. However, there's one part of the paper I do pine for from time to time, and recently I pulled up the online version of our newspaper to have a look. By the way, the online version is also a waste of 50 cents, so I'm glad it's free.

That section of the paper I still pine for is the local Police Blotter.

When you live in a small town, the Police Blotter is great. Nothing major, no murders or anything, stories like "Mr So and So reported to police the theft of a stereo system and a pig." That one actually appeared some years ago. All I could think of was the party the suspect was going to have that night.

So on a slow afternoon last week, I popped into the online version of our area's Police Blotter. Though I was a little disappointed there were no VA-side crimes, I found enough goodies over the border in WV to make a blog.

Let's begin.

DOMESTIC BATTERY: Dep. Dingly Dang and Sgt. Heehaw responded to Waybad Street, where a domestic altercation was reported at approximately 2 p.m. The officers reported both parties appeared to have been drinking, and each claimed they had been the victim of domestic violence. The man claimed his wife threw a brush at him, and when he deflected the brush, he allegedly struck her in the face. Both parties were charged with domestic battery.

I love a good brush fight. I just use mine as a microphone when I'm pretending to sing. (By the way, can a person claim that they allegedly did something? "I allegedly struck her in the face, but I didn't mean to!")

WANTON ENDANGERMENT: Dep. Bill Officer responded to White Pine Mountain Road, where a man reported his mother had shot at him at approximately 6:30 p.m.. When the officer arrived, however, the alleged victim had fled the scene.

First of all, how bad does a guy have to be to get his mother to shoot at him? And exactly how did he know the time? "Holy shit, mom's shooting! And it's only 6:30!" Anyway, he fled, which, I guess if my mom shot at me, I'd still be running, too.

DOMESTIC BATTERY: Cpl. Klinger responded to the area behind The Grocery in Blue Valley at approximately 10:15 p.m., at which time a complainant reported his mom and stepdad were involved in a physical altercation. When the officer arrived, the woman's shirt had been ripped off, and her back allegedly had red marks all over. The man was charged with domestic battery and arrested.

Some call that a fight. Others call that a good time. I guess it was a judgement call.

SHOPLIFTING: Ptlm. S.B. Wallah responded to Another Grocery, where a complainant reported an individual attempted to exit the store without paying for Garnier hair gel and Cover Girl cosmetics. Sara Jessica Latifah, of PeeTown, was charged with shoplifting.

And she had the prettiest mug shot in the book!

PETIT LARCENY: Sgt. Bill Coe investigated a report of stolen registration tags from a vehicle at Untied Motors.

PETIT LARCENY: A Circle Avenue complainant reported registration tags stolen from a vehicle there. Ptlm. Flatfoot filed the report.

PETIT LARCENY: A West Side Street woman reported someone stole the registration tags from her vehicle. Ptlm. Flatfoot filed the report.

Not to give too much away, but anyone need a registration tag for their vehicle? See me behind the school at 9 pm.

ASSAULT: Sgt. Sargent filed a report from a complainant who reported her 11-year-old son had been followed and harassed by a juvenile female at a school dance. The female's mother also allegedly confronted the boy, calling him names and reportedly attempting to choke the boy. The officer spoke with supervisors at PeeTown Middle School, and the investigation was ongoing.

Isn't that always the case. The girl has just about roped the boy of her dreams, and then Mom has to get involved. I don't know about today's 11 year olds, but I saw this as a big horsey girl and a little trembly boy. She's threatening to steal his lunch money, but in her heart, she dreams of the day they'll marry.

DOMESTIC ASSAULT, POSSESSION OF CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE: Sgt. Flatfoot and Sgt. Bill Coe responded to Meefirst Street, where a complainant reported a disturbance. They reported hearing an argument inside the apartment when they arrived. They also reported hearing the suspect tell his girlfriend he would break her jaw if she didn't stop accusing him of cheating. After he was taken into custody, Ptlm. Flatfoot reported finding four Xanax pills and one hydrocodone tablet in his pocket. The man was charged with domestic assault and possession of a controlled substance.

And his mistress came to bail him out.

ASSAULT ON AN OFFICER, OBSTRUCTING AND OFFICER: Det. Cpl. O'Reilly escorted a BeeTown West man to Magistrate Court for arraignment on domestic assault and domestic battery charges. During the proceeding, the officer reported the man made faces and threw his pen across the table when Magistrate I. D. Judge set bond, and called the officers obscenities when Judge left the room. Afterward, O'Reilly reported the suspect refused to follow his directions to exit the courtroom and attempted to strike him with an elbow when the officer tried to direct him to a holding area to await transport to jail. He allegedly continued attempts to keep from exiting the building and fell to the floor when the officers attempted to guide him through the doorway.

Well, what a bad apple. I guess he'll be making faces through those cold steel bars now!

DOMESTIC DISPUTE: A Georgepark Road woman reported her live-in boyfriend spanked her daughter too hard. When Dep. D. Awg responded, he advised the woman of the domestic violence protective order process, which she reportedly declined to pursue.

"Ehhhh. Come to think of it, she deserved it, I guess."

BURGLARY, TRESPASSING: A resident of Old Guess Road in Sparta reported an unwanted visitor in the home. The woman told Dep. Flower she awoke that morning and went into the kitchen to find a 23-year-old man standing there. The woman reported she woke her husband, who questioned the man. He alleged he was there to protect the home from aliens. The husband physically removed the man from the home, and Flower arrested the man, noting he appeared to be extremely intoxicated.

Deputy Flower would like to read from his notebook. "The man appeared to be extremely intoxicated. No, you don't understand. Incredibly, extremely, horribly intoxicated."

BREAKING AND ENTERING, GRAND LARCENY: Dep. F. Burns responded to Lazy Day Place, where a complainant reported several mirrors, a microwave, two spools of copper wire and a nail gun were stolen from an apartment.

I'm thinking, what, bomb? Homemade bomb? By very vain terrorists?

FORGERY, UTTERING: Sgt. Sargent responded to First Bank of Money, where an employee reported a gray vehicle pulled into the drive-through lane and the driver attempted to cash a check without proper identification. The alleged victim was contacted and advised to fill out an affidavit.

You know, I'm a peaceful and non-violent type, but I really found myself wanting this to read, "A gray vehicle pulled into the drive-through lane and the driver attempted to cash a check without proper identification. The alleged victim was shot." Hold up my drive-through line again.

PETIT LARCENY: Officers responded to North Pedestrian Street, where a complainant reported her CD player and 10 CDs were stolen from her car. Sgt. Bill Coe filed the report.

This made me laugh remembering a conversation with my buddy Stennie where she was talking about people breaking into her car to steal cassettes and CDs, only to get home and look through them. "Shit! The original cast album of '1776?'"

DOMESTIC BATTERY: Sgt. Man responded to a home near the Cowhead Road intersection. When he arrived, the officer located what appeared to be fresh drops of blood on the stairs leading into the residence, but no one was home at first. While officers were on the scene, the male resident of the home returned and reported he and his wife had argued while they had friends over “partying.” The man told officers his wife left with another man present that night. He claimed the blood was from a wound he received when one of the other men present hit him with a broomstick. The man’s uncle was present that night and reported he observed the altercation and allegedly heard the husband threaten to kill the wife.

Was I at that party? I can't remember much, but my broom is missing.

So this is the sticks. And who says we don't have crime here? Anyway, I have more, but this is running long, so I'll turn it into a two-parter, if you don't mind. Look back in a couple of days.

If you dare.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Since there are no acrowinners (I'm thinking of taking acro on a long, long trip, give me your thoughts), I thought I'd relay a story of a big-city Police Blotter.
- My sister, cousin, and I were in Atlanta, sitting in the lounge waiting to get into a restaurant. We picked up a copy of our favorite free "about town" paper, and my cousin was reading it while we waited. We heard her giggle, and giggle, and finally start laughing out loud. She was laughing at the paper's Police Blotter, which had a story that went like this.
- "A man was arrested at the [insert name of strip club] in the downtown area after an altercation with employees. A dancer at the club complained to the bouncer that there was a man near the stage trying to stick his finger in a woman. The man was confronted and told he could not stick his finger in a woman. He replied that he had paid his money, and could stick his finger anywhere he wanted. He was asked to leave, and refused, causing the bouncer to physically remove him."