Thursday, November 20, 2008

More CSI: Podunkville

When last we left you, Jack Webb and I were telling you all about the stories in the naked city. Well, no one was naked in the stories, save for the one in the Olympic Update.

Want more?

BATTERY: A woman reported she was in the drive-through lane of McDonald's on Fordstaff Drive when an unknown male started hitting the passenger side window, telling her to get out of the car. When she got out of the vehicle, the male allegedly punched her in the stomach before fleeing in a dark-colored vehicle. Ptlm. Blackie White filed her report.

A description of the alleged suspect revealed him to be the Burger King.

BATTERY: Officers responded to Town Plaza, where several subjects were involved in a physical altercation. The argument was between two women and a man and involved discussion about a “sugar daddy.” According to a report filed by Ptlm. Blackie White, officers advised all parties to leave the scene and stay away from each other.

Forever. But they can have all the Sugar Babies they want.

SOLICITING PROSTITUTION: Ptlm. Bishop Knight was dispatched to investigate a blue Ford Focus that had just picked up a woman believed to be a prostitute. Knight located the vehicle on Astray Avenue and initiated a traffic stop. Both the driver and the female passenger claimed the driver was only giving her a ride. The officer allegedly found two condoms in the woman's purse. Mrs Woman, 46, of Peetown, was cited for soliciting prostitution.

What kind of world do we live in where a man can't give a car ride to a woman who looks like a prostitute and carries condoms in her purse? For that matter, what kind of world is it where a man can't give a prostitute a car ride?

DUI: Ptlm. Bishop Knight initiated a traffic stop on a silver Chevrolet Silverado after Det. Sgt. Lou Hoo reported seeing the driver pick up a suspected prostitute. Knight reported that the driver smelled of alcohol and had difficulty standing. He allegedly refused to comply with field sobriety or blood-alcohol testing. John Wobbler, 40, of a state far away, was charged with DUI.

Apparently his female passenger didn't have any condoms in her purse. Or else they knew Mr Wobbler was too drunk to do anything.

DOMESTIC BATTERY: Dep. Yosemite responded to Bean Avenue in reference to a domestic disturbance that had already taken place. The officer spoke with the woman, who indicated she had argued with a man and that he had injured her shin. The wound she showed the officer allegedly appeared to be nearly healed, while she reported the dispute had occurred the day of the complaint. Yosemite reported the complaint was cleared due to the alleged victim's failure to cooperate.

That alleged victim got kicked in the shin at an earlier date! Probably for lying.

GRAND LARCENY: A Pine Grove man reported he parked his vehicle, a Chevrolet pick-up truck, at his friend's home in Egghead overnight. The man allegedly left the truck unlocked with the keys inside. When he woke up the next morning, the truck had been stolen. Dep. D. Awg filed the report and noted that the owner located it over a hill the following day.

Dep. D. Awg also noted that the man was a complete and utter idiot, and the next time he leaves his keys in his unlocked truck, he needn't come crying to Dep. D. Awg.

BREAKING AND ENTERING AUTO, PETIT LARCENY, DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY: Dep. Flower responded to Snake Church Road, where a woman reported she had parked in front of the church and entered the building before 6 p.m. When she left the church, she said she noticed her front passenger window had been busted and that her purse was missing. Her purse contained the offering from the church's morning service.

And that's why you hide what you steal from the collection plate under the seat.

COUNTERFEITING: Dep. Depute responded to Chinese Restaurant in the Mall, where a complainant reported accepting a $50 bill from a black male she said was a regular customer. The officer attempted to locate the man but was not successful.

Forgive me for taking this as read, but sounds like a regular transaction to me. Actually, sounds like a man gave the woman $50. Wonder if she had condoms in her purse?

SHOPLIFTING: Cpl. N. Rupee filed a report from a complainant at the 7-11 in Barrel, who reported a white male entered the store and walked out with two cases of beer. He described the man as having brown hair and a goatee, a gray sweatshirt, blue jeans, white tennis shoes and a white hat. The officer searched the area but did not locate the suspect.
But they found him later.

And here he is.









BURGLARY: Dep. A.M. Ballard responded to Tobor Mobile Home Park, where a complainant reported two individuals came into the residence, stole a BB gun, a scope and two rugs. The subjects also allegedly poured coffee grains into the fish tank.

Because, you know, the fish saw the whole thing.

This is still the naked city. Jack Webb and I, who are fully clothed, bid you goodnight.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* In all fairness, I'm sure Johnny Depp's never stolen a case of beer in his whole life. I just want that on record, please. As does Jack Webb.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Lily said...

Almost all of ours involve the theft of materials from a building site. One would think they'd have learned to padlock the container by now.

6:41 PM  

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