CSI: Podunkville

Hello, crimedogs. A while back I was stumped for blog ideas, and got the idea of telling you about some of the dastardly deeds that go on in this area, via the local newspaper's Police Blotter. I had so much fun doing it I turned it into a two-parter, and since then I've kept up with my reading.

Ready for more tales of this crime-ridden area of mine? Good. As always, I'm altering names and locations. For the protection of everyone.

BURGLARY: Dep. J.D. Egg responded to a burglary complaint on Saul Ploan Road, near Mville. Many areas of the residence had been disturbed, with items broken and out of place. Meat was thrown on the floor, and an egg appeared to have been thrown against the wall. Egg reported entry appeared to have been made through a side door.

There's a stunning deduction. An egg appeared to have been thrown against the wall. "Hey, this egg appears to have been thrown against the wall!" I see it as a final act of defiance - "And I don't like your egg, either!"

BREAKING AND ENTERING: Dep. D. Bill responded to Hobbie Road, where a complainant reported someone stole three saws from an outbuilding. The officer reported the part of the lock that was cut appeared to have been rusted also.

A needless crime. If they could cut the lock, they didn't need the saws. And how judgmental can the police be in this poor man's time of need? "Yeah, it's been cut. It's also rusted. And, you're ugly."

BREAKING AND ENTERING: Sgt. G.W. Tree filed a report from a Barrely man who reported someone broke into his outbuilding and stole a pressure washer. The officer reported the man produced the building lock, which appeared to have been cut.

But amazingly rust-free. Police are searching for the man who stole the saws. And who also has a large pile of firewood and the cleanest house in Barrely.

TELEPHONE HARASSMENT: Dep. Dawg received a complaint from a woman who stated a female voice had left three messages indicating: “I'm always watching you,” and “Your friends aren't who you think they are.” Further investigation was pending.

Fears subsided when it was discovered it was only Sting, trying to write a new hit song.

DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY: Cpl. Summer Winters filed a report from a man who said a male in a gray Buick followed him onto U.S. 19 and slammed into his vehicle several times before he was able to evade the assailant. Winters reported he saw the damage to the man's vehicle.

There's the kind of police action we like to see. "Yeah, I see the damage. Can I go now?"

FAILURE TO MEET SUPPORT FOR A MINOR: Cpl. J.J. Jay filed a report from a Palmetto, Fla., woman that her husband is behind more than $60,000 in child support. The payments date back to 1985.

I'm assuming the woman's husband lives in the area. I'd hate to think she's just calling every police department in America. Then again, that could be why she's still seeking child support for her now 24 year old.

BREACH OF PEACE: Ptlm. Gurgles and Ptlm. A. Fonzarelli responded to East Road, where a woman reported her son was tearing up the kitchen and throwing items around. Officers located Jeff Radcliffe, 38, of Peetown, allegedly in a highly intoxicated state. He was arrested on a charge of breach of peace.

Maybe it's just me, but if I'd have done that, even at age 38, screw the police. I'd have still been in line for a good old-fashioned butt-bustin', which would have been worse than an arrest.

GRAND LARCENY: Dep. G. Canyon responded to Boxed In Mobile Home Park, where a complainant reported that he suspected a female friend slipped something into his drink and stole a diamond ring, wedding band, a firearm and more from his residence. Charges were pending further investigation.

I smell a shotgun wedding!

BATTERY: Ptlm. Gurgles and Ptlm. A Fonzarelli responded to an altercation in progress at McDonald's on CowCow Drive. The complainant reported that she was physically assaulted by two female suspects over a salad that was not prepared to the customers' satisfaction. One of the suspects allegedly threw the salad, and the first punch, at the complainant. The parties were separated, and officers reported warrants were pending.

I love this entry dearly. Not only the mental image I get of someone dissatisfied enough with a McDonald's salad to toss it at a poor countergirl, but whoever wrote the complaint up, I want to marry. "One of the suspects allegedly threw the salad, and the first punch, at the complainant" - gold.

BURGLARY: Ptlm. J.D. Sheepbert responded to Horn Street, where a complainant reported someone broke into his apartment and stole a 37-inch television, pots and pans.

Police are on the lookout for a man watching the Food Channel.

PETIT LARCENY: Ptlm. FF Farkle received a call regarding a petit larceny report on County Street. The complainant reported an unknown male had come to his door and asked for change. The man allegedly took roughly $10 in change from his hands.

Now.... A man asks you for change, and you're standing there with change in your hands, I really don't see any reason to get the police involved. Sounds like contributor's remorse to me.

DONUTS: Drivers doing donuts (spins) in the city park’s lot were advised of their options. They left the parking lot. Cpl. Klinger investigated.

Those are some progressive policemen, just advising you of your optons. "Well, you can stop, or you could do figure eights instead, or you could grow up and get a job, or you could keep doing the donuts, or... ooh, donuts. Mmmmm."

Mmm, donuts indeed. I gotta go.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! And look at the acroers who came out to play! So, what made those tracks in the snow in my back yard?
- Honorable Mentions go to the DeepFatFriar, with his "Deer and possum secretly courting," and Kellie (with an ie), with her "Daring Armadillo Pushing Snow Cart."
- Runner-Ups go to LSG (not LSD, but as entertaining), with her "Damn aristocrats purloining stimilus checks," and LilyG, with her "Dastardly armadillo, probably stoned, confused."
- And this week's winner is Mr Middlebrow, with his "Dingos Afoot, Probably Stealing Children."
- Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well! And when I say that, I truly mean it - when I pulled those letters last night I thought, "This will go nowhere." I was wrong. Thanks!