In The News

Hello, blogees. So, what's going on these days?

Well, babies are in the news. Seems a woman in California, who shall here remain unnamed though her name is all over the place everywhere else, has just given birth to a whole mess of babies. A litter, I think it could be called. Eight. Octuplets. And everyone is just going wild over it, or they were until they learned a little about Ms Mom's backstory.

These eight little fellas, sixteen hands and feet, eighty fingers and toes, were born through the miracle that is in vitro fertilization. As they all are. And they were all born healthy, in the span of five minutes, no less (as my sister remarked, "Well, they just came barreling out like a choo-choo train!"), and publishing houses and reality TV shows were just peeing their pants over this news, and stores and diaper companies and auto dealers were lining up at the door to be the first with a gift.

Thing is, there's a little more to the story. Mom is a single woman, living at home with her parents, which is nothing to be ashamed of, but she also has six other children there, yes, twelve hands and feet and sixty fingers and toes, waiting for her when she leaves the hospital. The six kids are three sets of twins, all born via the test tube, and the little mother also seems to have no gainful means of employment, according to all the news sources.

And pardon me for being so bold, but that is something to be ashamed of.

Unless you're crazy, which I believe this woman may well be. I mean, I don't know her, but Jesus H Christ in a chicken basket.

And that's why I don't want to mention her name. I will, however, mention the entire OB-GYN staff at Kaiser Permanente Hospital in Bellflower, CA. Because I can't believe they'd keep planting fertilized eggs in this woman. At least without sending her for some serious psychological testing. I mean, hell, when I had surgery some five years ago, I not only had to have a psychological workup, but the surgeon had to meet with my family, my "post-surgery support system," face to face to get to know them and make sure they were up to the task of looking after me for a few weeks.

And so we now have a new rival to the odious Duggar family, who are now on child 19, I believe it is, and are planning more. But they do seem to be gainfully employed, well, the dad is, and I'm sure the kids are, all taking care of each other.

Thing is, well. Well. Stop having all those kids, people! I don't care if you're rich or poor or married or not, you're bringing too many people onto the earth and using up other people's resources. Give it a fucking rest.

And no one seems to look at it from the point of view of the kids. One mom, fourteen kids? There's just not enough attention to go around.

But, that's me.

Let's see, what else is going on? Oh, drugs. Michael Phelps got his picture in the papers enjoying a little herbal refreshment straight from the bong. There was a fair amount of outrage, though not from his sponsors, and I'm happy about that. Because I'm thinking they might be of the same mindset as I am. "If this guy can win every race he entered in the Olympics, and he smokes pot, he really is one hell of an athlete."

News came through today that now the police are saying they just might arrest Michael. And I don't see how they can do that. What have they got? A picture of Michael and a bong. They can't prove what was in it. Might have been ground-up Wheaties for all they know, and I bet the Wheaties people would be very happy about that.

Big bucks are in the news. No, not the TARP, which we'll get to in the acrowinners, but the auction game. Seems someone is auctioning off the telephone number 867-5309. Yes, the phone number made famous by Tommy Tutone some 25 years ago is on the auction block. Which boggles the mind, because that has to be a number on phones all over the country, but this one seems to be in the 201 area code. Current bid? Nope, you're wrong. $365,000.

According to the guy who now owns the number, it's not your average 80s burnout who's looking to buy the number. Businesses think it would be a keen idea to have 867-5309 as their phone number.

Of course, my perfect scenario would be that some business spends upwards of $400,000 for the digits only to have Tommy Tutone refuse to sell his song to them for a commercial. But even if he does, I guess he could use the dough, so good on him.

And no mention of the news, for me, anyway, would be complete without mentioning a little shitbag called Stephen Fowler. As you all know, I'm addicted to the TV show "Wife Swap," yes, and I'm none too happy to admit it, but I am. This past week's show featured a redneck mom from Missouri who went to live with a snooty upper-class bunch of health-conscious environmentalists from San Franciso. The dad of that family was a British fellow named Stephen Fowler.

I'm also none too happy to admit that this episode of "Wife Swap" made me weep profusely. Mr Fowler was such a complete dickwad I found myself smack-dab face to face with the reality that people like this exist in the world. During this woman's visit to his home, and don't get me wrong, she was uneducated and backwards, but she had a good heart and was, after all, a human being, Mr Fowler treated her no better than a turd on his shoe. He ridiculed her, both to her face and to his children while she was in the room. He called her names, he made fun of her, he came up with such beautiful lines of conversation as, "I make more in a week than you do in a year," and, "You're uneducated, you're a redneck, and you're obese." By the end of the show, he'd instructed his two children to not acknowledge her existence.

It's hard to explain, there are a few clips on You Tube of the show, but nothing that really shows the absolute asshattery of this man, but trust me. Think of the worst person you've ever met and multiply it by ten, and you still don't have a Stephen Fowler.

Anyway, since the show aired, forums around the world are overloading from all the comments. The Fowlers have had to change their phone numbers, pull down their websites and facebook pages, and Mr Fowler has had to resign from one of the corporations he was affiliated with. Apparently hate mail is pouring in quicker than he can ridicule it, and they're now contemplating a lawsuit upon ABC Television for the edit they got.

Which was exactly, while drying my tears on Friday, what I said would happen. "When the shit hits the fan over this, they'll sue."

My question over all this is, if you think you are the most intelligent, wealthy, and witty little peg in the upper echelon, why in the hell would you go on "Wife Swap?" Talk around the forums seems to speculate it was to hype the wife's (Mrs Stephens-Fowler) business, which just happens to be - as a weight loss coach!

After all the ridicule her husband heaped on his overweight "Wife Swap" wife, I don't think Mrs Stephens-Fowler needs to be planning on expanding the business anytime soon.

And a funny little addendum to that. I could probably level Mr Asshat to the ground with one sentence. My mother's maiden name is Fowler, so somewhere along the line he could be related to me.

And that, I guess, is the news.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners. So, what would you rename the Trouble Asset Recovery Program, or TARP?
- Honorable Mentions go to Kellie (with an ie), with her "Totally Awful. Revelry. Planes." and the DeepFatFriar, with his "Total Assholes Raping Poor."
- Runner-Up goes to Stennie, with her "Treasury Aids Rich People."
- And this week's winner is Patrick, with his "Taste Ass, Regular People." You said you couldn't think of any other entries, but you didn't need any.
* Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well! (And I mean that, your entries were great.)