Let's Trade!

I was sitting at work the other day, it was just San in the front office and me back in my office, and I heard her start to laugh. And she laughed some more, so I went up to find out what was so damn funny.

Seems San had purchased a copy of the Trading Journal, which is a little newspaper for this area with nothing but ads. It costs a few cents, I don't know, close to a dollar, people can advertise in it for free, and if you look long enough you can probably find anything you're looking for, including a pig in a poke.

San was laughing because of an ad she'd read. It went:

5 guineas, 3 roosters, 2 hens, $10 each OR will trade for large load cow manure.

I don't know, it just struck her as funny, and me too, mainly because she was laughing so hard, but I started thinking about it and trying to figure out which was the better deal.

Definitely the cow manure.

I mean, that's $100 if you want the animals, and though I haven't purchased any lately, I find it hard to believe that cow manure, even a large load, would be that much. And let's face it - if you want all those little animals, chances are you have lots of land and probably a cow or two anyway, and you have manure at your disposal.

When San was through looking through the Trading Journal I asked if I could give it a look-see. And well, you know where this is going, so let's just go there.

Among the golden gems I found...

Well, I must start with:

7 yr jenny donkey, running w/ livestock, gentle, exposed to spotted jack.

I don't have the slightest idea what any of that means except "donkey," and I don't really need a donkey right now. I don't know if her running with livestock is a good or bad thing, and if spotted jack is a disease or the farmhand taking care of her, which is rather scary but not out of the question around here, if you get my drift and I think you do. San and I had a discussion about this and decided that a jenny donkey must be a girl, and since she was running with livestock maybe a spotted jack is a boy donkey, in which case Jenny is probably knocked up, so you're getting two donkeys for the price of one. Or she got the donkey version of VD from running with the livestock. I never checked to see which it is.

How about:

Young rabbits, assorted colors, $5.

I'll take a green one, please!

Another of the "was this a mistake or am I missing something" ads:

Tree stand, climbing loggy life.

I think that may have been a misplaced twitter entry. Some guy's tree stand is climbing loggy life, and he's obviously on some sort of drug.

There were the even more mysterious ones:

Late 1970s beverage can, made for 1 yr, not opened, $250.

$250? I want what's in that can! Is it an elusive can of Billy Beer? Is it just the best Pepsi in the world, aged to perfection? Pay $250 and find out!

Guitar, signed by Garcia of famous band, call for price.

Hmmm. Why do I have a feeling it's signed by Claude Garcia of the Mud Ridge Ruck Rakers?

There were notices:

L'meet Church of God hosting chili bean dinner April 19.

Notice that's a Sunday. Boy, I bet that service will have some extra fire and brimstone.

There were the ones with jokes that were just too easy:

Pics of mines & towns on CD, $30; pics of old trainwrecks on CD, $30.

Like the Bush presidency?

There were a lot of horse ads:

16 m/o spotted qtr horse, colt, gentle, easy to catch, loud colored.

Loud colored? Well, easy to find, anyway. Maybe he's a green one.

2 yr standard bred stud, bay color, easy to catch, halter broke.

"Easy to catch" must be a big plus in the horse world. I wouldn't know, I've never had to catch one, but I suspect a horse with a broke halter is nothing but trouble.

And my favorite:

Spunky, mature apaloosa gelding, 14.2 hh, strawberry roan w/ rump blanket, healthy, sound, easy keeper, novices, loves kids, dogs, people, terrific on the trail, sure footed, calm, for confident beginner or intermediate rider, $1250.

What is this, the horses for sale or the personal ads? I was expecting "will perform any sexual activity" in there somewhere, but sadly, it ended with the extortionate price. OK, OK, you get a rump blanket in the deal.

As I mentioned above, placing ads in the Trading Journal costs nothing. However, free ads just aren't an excuse for these:

Envelopes, #10 business size, box of 100, $1.

Just write some damn letters, mister. If you think I'm going to drive all the way out to your house to give you a dollar for some envelopes, you must be crazy. But not as crazy as your compatriot below.

Tommy Hilf. watch for women, few scratches, needs battery, 50 cents.

And that is just sad. But it doesn't win the Sad Prize, which goes to this poor unfortunate:

P'town's high school cap and gown, fits up to 6'3", memory book & extra-long hoodie w/year 2009, new.

Guess who won't be graduating this year....

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Well, for those of you who haven't seen it on Facebook yet, there is indeed a new movie at the Comfy Chair Cinema. I stayed up really late putting it together, so why don't you go and have a look for yourself? You'll enjoy it more than a $1250 horse with a rump blanket, I promise. Go here: Here!