And now...The Oracle of Bet!

On the Hucklebug podcast, we have a little phrase. "The Oracle Of," that phrase is. When we're arguing, the ending to the argument is, "The Oracle of Bet (or Stennie) has spoken."

I was thinking that I need to have my own panel show, only I'd be the only one on the panel, and it would be called "The Oracle of Bet." I'd give my opinions on the news of the day, and it would of course be the correct opinion because it would be the Oracle of Bet.

It would go a little like this:

[fade in to peppy music]

Hello! Welcome to another scintillating episode of "The Oracle of Bet!" I'm your hostess, Bet, and here are the right answers on the topics of the day.

Let's see, where do we start....

OK, OK. The Gatecrashers!

Seems this couple crashed their way into the recent State Dinner President Obama gave for the Grand Hoo Hah of India. They brought a camera crew along with them, fudged their way past what is touted as the world's best security, met the Prez, and had a picture taken with Joe Biden. Now that they've been found out they swear they were invited, promise us they're not horrible people, and say, "This is the most devastating thing that's ever happened to us and has ruined our lives."

You know what? This is devastating? Have either of you had cancer? Has your billion dollar home burned down? Have you ever had a down day in your stinkin' lives? No, of course you haven't. You have people massaging you and cleaning your house, you can go buy tuxedos and expensive saris for a State Dinner you're going to crash, and at the end of it all you're going to end up on your own reality show. This isn't even in the same state as devastating. Shut the fuck up and fess up to the fact that you gate crashed the biggest party of the year. And accept your check from who the hell ever is airing your reality show. You both suck, and are a blight on our society. The Oracle of Bet has spoken!

All right, let's see.... Oh, the Tiger Woods Debacle!

So - seems Mr Woods had a car accident with damage to his car and a little damage to public property, but the facts are, well, sketchy. He says his wife was a hero and used a golf club to free him from the wreckage, but evidence says his wife used a golf club to beat the shit out of him and his car. Which still makes her a hero in my book, but that's beside the point. Then all this talk of extramarital affairs started, Mr Tiger wouldn't talk to the police, and now he's come clean that he's not been exactly faithful in his marriage and he's issued the standard "I have sinned" apology to us all.

And - you, Mr Woods, are a cad. You have a lovely wife, two kids, two adorable dogs, a billion trillion dollars, and yet you want to cheat on your wife. And you know what? Don't apologize to me. It's none of my business. It's none of any of our business. Apologize to your wife and your doggies. You have a driver's license and insurance, so your accident's a non-issue as far as I'm concerned, and if you want to hang out with a series of skanky ladies instead of your nice spouse, it's absolutely not up to me to say you nay or yay. But if you do, 1) Don't whine about the tabloid press finding out about it, and 2) Your wife is going to go to town on you with a golf club. And I hope she breaks your nose. But don't show it to me, because I don't care. The Oracle of Bet has spoken!

Breaking news! Alec Baldwin says that after "30 Rock," he's going to retire from acting!

And I say, "Fat chance!" Your puffed-up ego won't ever let you give up acting. The Oracle of Bet has spoken!

OK, next on our agenda - President Obama has just approved the dispatching of 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.

My take on this, Mr President? I do love you so much, but I wish to God you'd be the President I wanted you to be. When you took so much time to make your decision on this, I was hoping it would be because you were realizing that too many young men and women have died so far in a winless war, a war we can't afford, and that you'd take the money it would take for this and spend it on strategic measures to fend off terrorist attacks, for they're going to come whether we're in Afghanistan or not. Instead, the Left hates you because you gave in to the warmongers, the Right hates you, well, because you're Obama, and no matter what you do they'll hate you. You're alone. And I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end of your Presidency. And the Oracle of Bet has spoken, but it's not happy. Be a man, Barack, for God's sake.

And just enough time for more breaking news! Meredith Baxter, mom from "Family Ties," announces she's gay!

And I say, "Who gives a shit?" The Oracle of Bet has spoken!

Thank you, and tune in next week. And until then, remember, it's not true unless the Oracle of Bet says so! Byeeeee!

I think it could work.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, why was I stopped twice on the same trip back from B'burg Saturday night?
- Honorable Mention goes to Marla (marlamarlamarla), with her "Cuz Lingere And Ropes Dangled." If only I was that exciting, Marla.
- Runner-Up goes to the DeepFatFriar, with his "Cops love a ravishing doll." I love you for that, Friar, and how I wish it was true.
- And this week's winner goes to Kellie (with an ie) with her, "Curb! Looked At Radio Dial." That could very well happen with me, if you substitute "iPod" for "Radio Dial."
- Thank you all for playing, you've all done very well!
- Actually, why was I stopped twice by the State Police? For having a headlight out. It was out some weeks ago and I went to have it fixed, but they told me it was working, and so there was nothing to replace. Then it went out again, I was stopped twice on the way home, and, unbelievably, managed to talk my way out of it both times. Went yesterday to get it fixed again, and it turned out there were two little steelies in my bulb that came loose, causing the light to stop working, then if I hit a bump or rounded a curve, they'd go back where they were supposed to be, causing the light to work, then when I'd hit another bump, they'd come back out. That's just so me. Replaced the bulb, though, and all is well.