More CSI: Podunkville

There are ten million stories in the naked city. However, here in the nekkid city, there are about 20. Wanna hear some of the more fun ones?

More stories from the local Police Blotter! As always, names and places have been changed to protect the innocent, the guilty, and me, your humble blogger.

Let's start with, well, convolution.

Leaving a Scene, Drivers Revoked: Deputy Dawg responded to a report of a single vehicle accident on Old Road. The complainant reported that the driver of the vehicle had fled on foot. Dawg then traveled to the residence of a complainant of a stolen car matching the vehicle in the crash, where the complainant reported he had woken up to find the vehicle, registered to his wife, missing. The complainant's wife reported she always kept a spare key in the glove box of her car. Later, Dawg responded back to the residence, where troopers had responded to the report of a domestic disturbance. Dawg spoke with the vehicle owner, who said her husband had contacted County 911 reporting he knew who stole the vehicle, then provided a fictitious name the wife remembered to be a former manager of Taco Bell. After concluding his report did not make sense and that he matched the suspect description, Dawg planned to charge the complainant with driving while revoked and leaving the scene of an accident with property damage.

Someone's in trouble with the wife. What I want to know is how the wife knew the manager of Taco Bell had a ficticious name.

Let's chalk these two up to bad parenting. If I'd been in either of these, my parents would have kicked my ass.

Domestic Battery: Patrolman Humbert responded to a domestic situation on Ding Dong St, where a suspect advised that she had been arguing with her mother over some money that belonged to her. The suspect then threw a lamp at her mother, which cut her arm open. The suspect then left the residence. Charges were not pressed.

Domestic Battery, Destruction of Property: A Left Side Avenue complainant reported his daughter hit him over the head with a beer bottle, leaving a laceration on his forehead. The suspect then allegedly broke the complainant's television. The complainant also advised Patrolman Humbert that the suspect was highly intoxicated. No warrants were issued.

See? There wouldn't have to be warrants or charges. My ass would be kicked.

And now for a little road trip.

Joy Riding: Patrolman Gargles received a report from a Left Side Avenue man who advised his light blue Chevrolet Cavalier was missing from his residence. Gargles issued a be-on-the-lookout order for the vehicle, but it was returned later.

A light blue Cavalier? Apparently "joy" riding is a subjective term.

I swear this was in the Blotter.

Destruction of Property: Sgt Pepper received a complaint that someone removed the cow horns that were mounted to his vehicle while it was parked in the lot at The Sad Mall.

If found, return to Hoss Cartwright, Ponderosa, USA. You know, actually, this entry is horribly written. It sounds from the wording like someone removed Sgt Pepper's cow horns. Which I guess is entirely possible.

How about some dumb victims?

Petit Larceny: A complainant reported that he laid his Blackberry on a table while he was working in the hospital cafeteria. He told Lt. Mountain he turned around when a friend asked for help. The phone was gone when he returned.

Petit Larceny: Deputy Dawg received a report from a Playland woman who reported someone had entered her vehicle using her keys and removed the cash she intended to use for rent.

Hold on to your shit, don't give up your keys, and don't put your rent money in the car. And you may want to invest in a couple of thinking caps.

Here's one that conjures up a picture I love.

Stray Dog: A caller reported that her family could not leave their home because of a stray dog on Milk St. Patrolman Humbert investigated and the family made it to the car.

I like this one. Patrolman Humbert standing in the driveway, looking both ways, then giving the "all clear" signal while the family sneaks out to the car. Crisis averted.

And then - there's just the weird.

Grand Larceny: Deputy Egghead received a complaint from County 911 that a woman had stolen an ambulance from the Rescue Squad on scene at the Place Where People Stay Hotel. As the officer was en route, he received word that the ambulance had crashed and was pointing into the air. Rescue Squad workers explained the crash, advising they were on the scene to talk with a woman who claimed she needed to get to the Catholic Church as a matter of life and death for all mankind. As they spoke with her, the woman reportedly made a dash for the ambulance and attempted to flee in it. A Squad employee was able to get into the vehicle with the woman, and Egghead reported he likely saved lives or serious property damage in the process. Egghead spoke with the woman in his cruiser and later transported her to the hospital.

Wow, that's pretty amazing, a woman stealing an ambulance to get to the Catholic Church to avert a crisis for all mankind, and when the ambulance wrecks it ends up "pointing into the air." If that's not a sign of some sort, I don't know what is. I'm assuming she didn't make it to the church, and so I've been wearing a helmet and looking up a lot lately.

How about "scenes I wish I'd have been at?"

Assault, Battery, Destruction of Property, Petit Larceny: Corporal Winters responded to the Happy Haven Mobile Home Park, where an altercation was reported. One of the subjects present when the officer arrived advised he had confronted his neighbor about money he said was owed to him and that the neighbor became upset. The neighbor reported the first subject had come to his home to apologize for a previous argument and that the two argued again once they were together. While the two men were fighting, a female allegedly entered the fray, striking two of the people present with a detergent bottle. Windows in the alledged victim's home were also broken during the altercation. Doo Rutt, Vie Tilt, and Pinkie Rutt were all taken into custody. Pinkie Rutt was later released to get medical treatment, when she reported a finger was broken.

Yes, but whose finger? I would have been chompin' popcorn and screamin,' "Get 'em! Get 'em" when the woman with the detergent bottle showed up. In fact, if it was was one those 24 load bottles, I can see where the broken finger came from. Those things are wicked.

I call this Most Likely To Appear in a Quentin Tarrantino Movie.

Failure to Appear, Possessions of a Controlled Substance: Deputy Central and Deputy Fire drove to the Other Happy Haven Mobile Home Park in response to a Be On The Lookout report for three subjects reported to have grabbed a television from the shelf of the CVS Pharmacy and fled with it. At the residence, Fire walked into a bedroom in which a female appeared to be having a seizure. After a rescue squad was contacted, the woman came out of the seizure. In the room, the deputies observed evidence of drug use and a white substance appearing to be crack cocaine. After the three subjects were taken in for questioning, it was discovered that one had a bench warrant out for shoplifting, conspiracy, and receiving/transferring stolen property.

That was trippy! [cue your favorite Link Wray guitar piece] By the way, CVS sells televisions? Who knew?

And finally, two personal favorites.

Probation Violation: Sgt Treetop responded to Union Supermarket, where a complainant reported a shoplifter in custody. The manager advised the man had taken a bag of peach candy, stuffed it in his shoe, and walked out of the store. A background check revealed the suspect was wanted on a probation violation in Georgia. He was arrested.

Awwww, he was missing Georgia. He stole peach candy!

Public Intoxication, Disorderly Conduct: Deputy Thorn was dispatched to the Sad Mall, where an intoxicated male was reported with his trousers around his knees. Officers located the man in the parking lot of the cafeteria with his pants unbuttoned and unzipped, being held up by an off-duty officer. [the man, or his pants?] Thorn instructed the man to button his pants and leave the lot. The man was arrested after officers determined he was too intoxicated to even button his pants.

So - they were going to let a man walking around with his pants around his knees walk free if he'd just button his pants? Thankfully, he was guilty of a 216 - Being Too Drunk To Button One's Pants. Book 'em, Thorn.

I'd love to have a job writing for the Police Blotter. I could really liven that baby up, even though some of these were pretty lively anyway.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Everything changes, right? Just as Stennie's blog recently did away with Daily Trivia, I'm trying to think of a place for Picture Sunday and Acro. I'm quite tired of them both. I'm thinking they might be a little easier if I changed their days, or, well, I don't know. Does anyone care? Does anyone have any suggestions?