One Thing Leads to Another

When I get home after work, I take Milo out for a while and let him pull me around in the snow, I fix something to drink, and I sit down at my desk to check email and Facebook, and generally end up playing Text Twist. And of course I'll turn on the television while I do this.

It's a good time of the day to hear news, but unfortunately there isn't any on TV. MSNBC has Chris Matthews, who's a good guy but for God's sake stop yelling at me, Chris! This follows up with the Ed show, Ed Schultz, who also may well be a good guy, but he's blustery and seems to be pointing his finger down my throat for his entire show.

Fox shows Glenn Beck, who I'll occasionally turn in to to see what the enemy has going on, and I always tell myself it's just for a laugh, but I never laugh, I scream at my television and my blood pressure hits somewhere around 190/120 and I fear my brains will blow against the wall, so I've pretty much learned to realize he's just off limits.

Local news just doesn't interest me. I live in a small town. I know all the local news by walking down the street. In fact, I know more news than the local station does just by walking down the street. Although I must admit our local news people are sometimes good for a laugh because they often get tongue-tied and can't pronounce words right.

Then there's CNN, which used to be a decent news channel way back in the day, but they now hover somewhere around Fox in the believability department, and they often report old news. CNN.com is worse for this, they'll put up headlines I've read a month ago, but the cable channel does it too. They also have political shows after work, and again, brains against the wall, so I give them a pass.

So I inevitably end up on CNN Headline News. Remember when this channel started? It was so CNN could have some hour-long shows, and the newshound had a place to go that was 24 hours of breaking news.

Lord have mercy.

CNN Headline news, which is embarrassing but I watch it, has become the television equivalent of the National Enquirer. I mean, we've all read the National Enquirer at one time or other in the privacy of our homes, even though few will say it out loud. I've blogged on some of their stuff before, Nancy "Hang 'Em!" Grace and "Showbiz 'Coming Up After the Break!' Today."

Headline News, which is now called HLN, and I'm thinking it's some dodge against a false advertising claim, has a stable of hosts. There's the Prime News guy, Jane Velez-Mitchell, who does "Issues" and has issues, and Nancy Grace. And now there's Joy Behar.

That's where the blog title comes in. There's a commercial for her new show where she's cracking wise with Nancy Grace, and the old Fixx song "One Thing Leads to Another" is playing in the background. I'm sure someone was paid dearly for that idea, Nancy leading into Joy and all that, but now I've noticed they use the song in other commercials of theirs.

So in the spirit of linkage, let's see how one thing leads to another.

Okay, the big news stories of today. Senator Dodd announced he won't seek re-election. The Underwear Bomber was indicted. The man (and there's a term used loosely) who shot up the Holocaust Museum died in prison.

And those led to:

The Prime News guy leading off the Prime News Program with a story about a baby who's been missing about 3 days. He took calls from viewers who all said, "I hope they find that baby!" That story led to another, about someone who wrote a book telling people how to shoot up heroin. He took calls from viewers who all said, "Well, I never."

Prime News guy led to Jane V-M, who's given up her mullet for a Farrah Fawcett in 1977 haircut that's almost as bad, and her top news "issue" of the day is that a kid got burned when he was with his dad at a "drunken party." Oh, but this is right up Jane's alley, because she will tell you - and I mean, she will tell you this every single night, up to 18 times a show - that she is in fact a recovering alcoholic with 14 years sobriety. And in fact, if you want to read all about it, you can, in her very own book, "I Want," which she holds up for you to see, also at regular intervals during the show. And in case you forget, it shows up constantly on a crawl at the bottom of the screen.

Jane V-M also has the added attraction of having a "jury" of regular panelists, in little blocks on the screen just like the Brady Bunch, to discuss her "issues." And if things get too rowdy, Jane will, and this is true, I wouldn't make it up, Jane will produce a big fat gavel and hit it on her desk. I'm waiting for her to miss and give either her free hand or her book a whack, but as of yet, I haven't seen this.

After the jury in blocks has discussed the Burning Boy, they head on to a woman who drowned a baby and the death of the Johnson and Johnson heiress. Which of course has to be drug related, since Jane V-M knows all about this, being a recovering alcoholic with 14 years sobriety which you can read all about in her book, "I Want."

And a drowned baby and dead heiress lead to our dear Nancy Grace, who if you haven't seen this picture, please go here. I swear to you, Stennie repeatedly sending me the link to this picture was the only thing that got me through the Podcastathon.

And so Nancy does an entire show on the missing baby which led off the Prime News guy's show. Boy, don't things come full circle? Nancy also has a book to hawk, which she does, along with telling us all what a great mother she is and driving that home by showing pictures of her precious twins on national television, so every kidnapper and predator who has cable can see what they look like.

Then Joy Behar's show comes on, and I've never seen it. I am still sure without that benefit that it's an hour of her trying to be funnier than her celebrity guest. I don't really have anything against Joy, but that's how she is. It's how a lot of people on TV are.

So.

It's not really Headline News, is it? I was going to say it's the Baby In Peril Channel, but looking through it all, it's really the Listen To Stories of People With Worse Lives Than You, So You Can Feel Better About Your Own Damn Self Channel.

HLN - Hideous Lives Network.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Yes, I forgot acro last night. I was wii'ing. Forgive mii.