Things You Maybe Shouldn't Tell

Hello, friends.

I don't think of myself as talking a lot, though some might disagree. And I generally don't let out any deep dark secrets except when I'm drinking, as Hucklebug listeners well know. I'd say my podcastmate Stennie could edit together a loop of my gaffes and confessions that she could blackmail me big-time with. Good thing I don't have any money and she hates editing.

But if I'm having a day-to-day conversation with someone, I seldom let something really awful spill out. Not everyone's like that.

Oh, the things I've heard at TheCompanyIWorkFor. I am regaled from time to time with stories of cheating spouses and clothes being thrown out in the yard, with that time someone drove with their feet or hit a car in the parking lot, but no one was looking so they kept on going.

I once saw a total stranger tell my mother she had beautiful teeth, and she wanted to know who made them. When I was a teenager, we were on vacation in Florida, and a woman told my mom, sister, and I that it was so hot it melted the adhesive on her sanitary napkin.

But most of the time it's stuff like "I have hemorrhoids, diarrhea, a head full of snot," or "I've gotten so fat I split my pants" that come my way. I swear to you this is true, one day I was looking for a certain vitamin at the Wal-Mart (or Wall E, as I write it in my checkbook), and a man accosted me, yes, he accosted my person right there in the aisle, wouldn't let me move, and asked me if I could help him locate a certain vitamin. He really wanted to try this vitamin, he told me, because it was supposed to be really good for prostate trouble. And he was having him some prostate trouble, got up all night long to pee, and so many of his friends had the same prostate trouble, and they told him this vitamin might really help his old prostate. If I'd have heard the word "prostate" one more time, I would have started crying right there between vitamins D and E.

And he was old. See, I don't want to single out a certain sector of the population where this is concerned, because it's not always old people who do this, but, well, it's almost always old people. It seems the older they get, the less they care about who knows about the inner workings of their, well, nether regions and such.

But you see.

You see, my mom has always been one of these people. She just lets it fly, she doesn't care. Sure, I may cringe, and I have, many times, but it bothers her not one whit. She'll tell you about sneezing and peeing her pants. And worse. Believe me.

And that's really why I came to the old Blog Table tonight. Because she told me something that just blew my mind. And I know we were on the phone and I'm her daughter and it's not like she broadcast it nationwide, but after the conversation, after I picked myself off the floor from the laughter, I immediately said, "Why do people tell these things?"

See, it all started with me, really. Me and Michelle the Dishy. You'll remember I got The Crud on Christmas Day. I still have remnants of The Crud, but I had it really bad there for a while. And Michelle mentioned to me the netti pot. Now, I like to think of myself as a modern gal, but I'd never heard of a netti pot. Then lo and behold, and because she's such a sweetheart, I got a netti pot in the mail courtesy of Dishy. And to be honest, I'm still learning to use it. I think it's because I'm not good at sniffing things up my nose. I could never be a drug snorter, I don't think I could get it up there. I can't blow my nose, it produces no results. But I'm trying the netti pot, and I'm going to master it! It's become a challenge!

Then my sister got The Crud and bought 150 different over-the-counter medications until she decided to break down and see a doctor, something I never bothered to do, and her doctor told her to - get a netti pot. And she did, and now her whole family are netti converts. They got it right off the bat, but then again, they blow their noses a lot.

And so now, after granny's little stay in the hospital, it was suggested that she get a netti pot. And so she did, and that's why she called me up at work today. Well, that's a lie, she called me because it was snowing and she was bored, and so she talked and I listened. But the pot is one of the things she talked about.

And in this conversation I learned that someone is having way more trouble learning the netti pot than I am.

She told me she flipped through the booklet and looked at the pictures and didn't have any faith that the thing would work, but she tried it anyway, but it didn't "come out the other side." You see, the thing with the netti pot is that you sniff saline up one nostril and it comes out the other, thus clearing out your little passages and keeping them happy.

But then she told me that what she was doing was pouring the water from the netti pot - into her ear.

"Your ear?" I exclaimed, and she said that in the demonstration picture it looked just like the man was putting it in his ear. Thank God Dad came along and discovered it, or she might have drowned. I said, "Mother, did you put that in your ear and actually expect the water to come out the other ear? Because if that happened you'd have way more problems than we could help you with."

And then I began to giggle, and I giggled all day. I'm kind of giggling now. Because that's just so my mother. It's so her to stick a netti pot in her ear and then run to the phone to spread the news.

So if any of you out there are in the market for a netti pot, please read the actual words of the instruction booklet, OK? However, if you choose not to and the spout of your pot ends up somewhere other than your noses, this is one instance where it's OK to tell me. Unless it ends up somewhere around your prostate.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, what will the new drug cure?
- Runner-Up goes to Marla, with "Delectable Kid's Fingers." Actually, that could be a problem. Especially with Stennie around, you know she likes to bite cute kids.
- And this week's winner is Kellie (with an ie), with help from her boy Ervin, with their "Diseased Kangaroo Face." That definitely needs a drug. Nice teamwork, and good going, Ervin!
- Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well!