Could Be Worse - Could Be Raining

You know, I love a day off from work more than just about anybody I know. So imagine my excitement when I found myself with not only one, but two days off for the Easter Holiday.

The first was Friday. I went out for a long-overdue pedicure, which was nice and relaxing, then I came home and started doing a few preppish things for the Comfy Chair Movie. (I made a Comfy Chair Movie - did you hear?)

And so I worked on that throughout the weekend, got it finished, Mr M came down on Sunday and we went for dinner at Granny & Paw's, Milo got to run a lot in their fenced-in back yard, I got laundry and trash duty done - and I still had one more day off!

I decided I'd just do myself a little shopping.

I went to a place I seldom go. That would be your Beckley, WV. I don't go there for a few reasons. The first is that I hate Beckley, WV. The traffic alone - if I had to drive in that town every day, I'd ending up killing someone. Every day.

Another reason I don't go there is because it involves driving on the West Virginia Turnpike. What an armpit of a highway that is. And it's an armpit you have to pay to traverse. It's hilly, curvy, badly maintained, and people drive like maniacs on it.

And even worse, it's a highway of lies! As you enter the Turnpike at P'ton, WV, there's a sign telling you Beckley is 30 miles away. This is blatantly not true. I know this because not only does it take about another 50 minutes to get there, and that's with a 70mph speed limit, but I also know it because on the way back, the sign 13 miles south of Beckley says it's 42 miles to P'ton.

But off I went anyway, because R'noke was too far, and I've shopped B'burg to death. I put up Milo, figured it'd be no different than any workday, and set off about my business.

As I reached the first toll plaza on the Turnpike (thieves!), I handed over my two bucks, and the man in the little booth told me to be careful, that there was a wreck up ahead and traffic was stopped. "Oh, hell," thought I, but said instead, "Thank you," and headed off. And I drove for a while, dodging all the maniacs zipping past me on the left and the right, and I figured maybe the wreck was cleared off the road and all was well again.

Well, "Ha Ha!" Fate said to me. All of a sudden I hit the stopped traffic. I was OK, I was listening to music, and, you know, people do get stuck in traffic sometimes.

Until we crept over a hill and I saw the line ahead of me. It reached for miles on end, I couldn't even see the end of the line. I knew I was in for a long wait.

I had a Clarinet Magazine (The Most Boring Publication on Earth!) loaned by Mr M, so I got it out and read it while we inched forward. I read the whole thing. Well, so much for having something to do.

I could tell you about every inch we lurched forward, but I think you get the idea. Suffice to say that 2 1/2 hours later I was still in that same line of traffic, still inching, and the end was still not in sight. Thankfully, after that 2-plus hours, I reached a junction for I-64. Now, I didn't know if I could navigate from that, but I really didn't care. I'd rather be lost and moving than found and still. So I took the exit.

Turns out, I found my way into Beckley quite easily. However, when I took that exit, it deposited me in the horrible "city" traffic. Another half hour to go 3 miles, and I was finally where I wanted to shop, even though I was pretty much out of the mood by that time.

I loped through the store a few times and ended up with three pairs of pants. I went there looking for shirts. One of the pants was jeans, which I need like I need a hole in the head, but they were on sale. "Pbbbbt," I said to myself, "I'm going home."

I scooted back into the city traffic and headed home the way I'd planned to be going in before my little detour. When I reached the exit that put me back on the Turnpike, traffic in the opposite direction was still at a standstill. In fact, it was all the way to that first toll plaza (thieves!) where I was warned of the accident. Of course this time I was on the moving side of the road, so I could only send sympathy waves to those traveling north.

When I got home I found out what was holding us all up was an eight-car pileup. Three of the eight were a police car, a logging truck, and a car pulling a boat. God knows how long people were stuck. There were a few injuries, but no fatalities.

Ahhhh, home. Milo was looking at me like, "Why in the hell did you leave me like that?" and we went out and played in the sun a while, then I really needed to relax and try to get rid of the headache I felt coming on, so I curled up in the Comfy Chair. I found myself falling off to sleep, and it felt wonderful.

Until.

Until the front doorbell rang, scaring the peewater out of me and sending Milo into a barking, jumping fit, knocking over a table next to my door. I opened the door and there was my brother-in-law's father. I said hello, and his words to me were, "Please call your parents."

Oh, crap, I thought, and picked up the phone. My dad answered. "Hello, you needed me?" I said, and he seemed to be filled with confusion. "Where are you?" he demanded. "I'm sitting in my living room," I answered.

Turns out (and you're gonna love this) my parents had been trying to call me since 9:00 that morning. The line was busy. It was busy with every call, and apparently, there were hundreds. They then devised a whole scenario where I was dead in the floor of my house, for some reason. The more they called, the more upset they got. They called the phone company to have the lines checked, and were told there was a problem with the lines. Then, as if that wasn't enough, my dad called the service people at the phone company and told them to go fix my lines. He said they told him they couldn't unless the request came from me, although they may have in reality said, "Who are you? Piss off."

Now....

Now, I don't even know where to start on this one. I guess I could start by saying that the longer this conversation went on, the more furious I got, and I showed some pretty good restraint to keep from just letting go and calling my folks morons right over the phone.

I did, however impart these pieces of information upon them:

1. If they knew it was my day off, what were they doing calling me at 9:00 in the morning?

2. How many times have I told them that a phone means absolutely nothing to me, and that if it's out of service for half a day, I really don't care in the least.

3. In fact, I may, at any time, take my phone off the hook because I don't want the fucking thing ringing all day.

4. I was gone most of the day anyway, so they wouldn't have been able to reach me even if it did ring.

And last, but certainly not least:

5. If I was dead in the floor and couldn't get to the phone, wouldn't the damn thing be ringing off the hook instead of being busy?

Well, my dad, for some reason, seemed to be very pissed off that I was very pissed off. It wasn't going particularly well there on the phone, and it got worse when a thought came to me.

"You didn't ask Brine's father to make a special trip to my house just to tell me to call you, did he?"

"Well, of course I did," my dad said, "I almost called the police. Maybe I should have."

I wanted to reply, "Yes, you should have. Then they could have followed me to your house and arrested me after I kicked your ass." But I didn't.

I mean, my parents have been doing pretty good lately, but I don't know what caused a regression like this.

(By the way, my brother-in-law's [Brine's] father is so good to my parents. He takes them anywhere they need to go, he takes them out to lunch. Just so sweet to them, and now I'll never be able to look him in the face again.)

Anyway, after the conversation I was all riled up and stalked around the house looking for something for dinner. I fed Milo and put a piece of leftover turkey from Sunday in the oven.

Before I ate dinner, Milo wanted to go out, so we headed out into the front yard, where it promptly began to rain on my head. When I came back inside I caught sight of myself in the mirror and I swear this is true, the rain had turned my hair into a perfectly-shaped afro.

While I was eating, it began to thunder, and Milo got scared. Not running away and crying scared, just snuggling up as close as he could get to me scared. After I finished dinner, such as it was, I headed to wash dishes, and the thunder got worse, and paired itself up with lightning. Bad lightning. Then the rain turned to light hail.

And we lost power.

It was only brief, but when it came back on, Milo just went nutso. He was trying to get outside. I kept telling him going outside was only going to make him hinkier, but somehow he wasn't picking up the words.

Finally, the lightning stopped, as did the hail, turning back into hard rain, and I sat down for a little TV.

And promptly threw up my dinner.

I still like days off. Sometimes they're just not what I'd planned.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, what does "Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah" really mean?
* Honorable Mention goes to Michelle (the dishy), with her "Sensual earthling, point ass groundward!"
*Runner-Up goes to Marla (marlamarla), with her "Say, Ever Pass Asparagus Gas?"
*And this week's winner goes to LilyG, with her "So, Earthling, Party Alot? Groovy!"
* Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well!