Stewquation

For some reason, I know not why, I got all domestic and decided to make a big pot of beef stew.

Now, I'm normally not that high on beef stew. The reason for this is the beef. I always find it rather tough, no matter what kind I buy. I also always find there are too many potatoes in beef stew. I mean, big ol' hunks of potato in every spoonful.

But I was loafing at work on Tuesday. It was an honest loaf. I was caught up on all my stuff, and for some reason we were extremely slow, so I hit the internet and started reading the news. And there at the bottom of the msnbc.com homepage was a little picture. Underneath, the link said, "Coffee + Beer = Beef Stew."

And I'm sorry, but that's just a link I have to follow.

It was a video link, of a segment from my old daily nemesis "The Today Show." Some Dude and Al Roker were in the little fake kitchen there, and Some Dude was going to show Al how to make a beef stew that would knock his socks off.

And here's what he did. He browned up some beef in a big pot. He then threw in, and I mean threw in, and encouraged Al to do some throwing too, but he threw in some chopped red onions (which I like so much more than whites, and infinitely more than yellows). Then Some Dude showed Al how to cut carrots so that each one is the exact same size and they don't get bigger as you go up the carrot's widening face. I liked that, too. Then he and Al threw the carrots into the pot.

The celery was just plain old celery, but Some Dude threw it in with gusto. He then threw in some garlic, and let it all cook and carmelize.

Now this next part made me quite the fan of Some Dude. After the beef and vegetables were nice and carmelized, he said they had to reintroduce the flavor from where the beef bits had stuck to the bottom of the pot. And to do that, well, he just had to use a half a cup of whiskey.

Once the reintroduction had taken place, and really, what reintroduction isn't better with a little whiskey, then the stalwart stew staple potatoes were thrown in, and it was liquid time. Some beef stock, a half a cup of stale coffee, and two pints of Guinness Stout. Neither Some Dude nor Al threw the liquid, and I'm glad about that, although it would have been fun to watch all that beer fizz like crazy. Some rosemary and thyme sprigs were thrown in (but no parsley and sage), and there was a stew right there in the fake kitchen.

And that was it. Video watched. But since the weather's turned cold I've been wanting to make a few soups and chilis I can eat now and freeze for later, and I just decided I'd make this stew with the whiskey and beer and even coffee to sober me up the next day.

I went to the grocery Tuesday after work. It was looking like rain. I forewent the umbrella anyway. I bought a few groceries I needed, then all the ingredients for the stew, save for the whiskey, but I had enough left over from the weekend to keep me out of the liquor store. I came out with my newly-bought groceries in bags in the cart, and walked right into - a hurricane.

Well, I'm calling it a hurricane. The rain was pouring, the wind was blowing. Blowing the rain into my face and on my glasses. Rain had collected in the parking lot till it lapped over my shoes. I did some throwing of my own before the stew even started, throwing bags as fast as I could into the back of podmobile2. When I was through, I looked like I had stood in the shower for twenty minutes with my clothes on.

I climbed into the car and drove home, water dripping from my hair into my face the whole way. I backed into the driveway, unloaded the bags, took Milo out - hey, why shouldn't he get wet too? - and came in to unload my groceries. All the bags had about an inch of rain in them. It was a wet sort of time.

But anyway, after a change of clothes, I got right into putting, no, wait, throwing my stew together. Did it just like Some Dude did it, throwing with gusto. And I have to say, that carrot trick is awesome. I want to have carrots with every meal now just so I can cut my carrot pieces all the same size.

I'd thrown in the first veggies over the browned beef, it carmelized, and I added my too-expensive-for-this-dish whiskey. Then I added the dreaded potatoes, stale coffee, beef stock, and the two pints of Guinness Stout. Boy, was that Guinness stout. A big ol' thick foam engulfed all the other ingredients. In fact, after tying my rosemary and thyme (but not parsley and sage) in a little string, I threw them in. The beer foam was so thick I had to sink the poor little spices with my stirrer.

I took it to simmer and let it go. I made something else for dinner because I wanted to let this take its time and stew into a stew I could be proud of.

At the end of the night, I got out a large tupperware container and looked at my stew. Then I got out another large container. I had enough stew to feed the whole town. I began ladling it, dividing ingredients between the two containers. And as I did that, I started to notice something. This wasn't really a beef stew. It was a beef soup.

It had no thickness to it at all. It was basically all those things I'd so happily thrown at the pot, floating in broth and beer. I was disappointed, to say the least. I mentioned it to Mr M, and he said I needed to add some corn starch. And he was right. Some Dude hadn't said anything about a thickening agent.

Had I missed something? I ran back to my recipe and pored over the ingredients. Nope, nothing there. Sure, there was some thickness when all that Guinness foam was floating around, just like there was in the video, but when it fizzled out, I was left with a limp stew.

I of course talked to my friend, workmate, and mother figure San the next morning, Wednesday, and she agreed with Mr M. I went home for lunch and heated some of this stuff up, and, well, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. I took the second container of the limp stew back to work and gave it to San. "Here, do anything you want to it, and tell me if you get anything better than it is now. I'll do the same with my share."

After work it was to the grocery once again for corn starch. When I got it boiling, I added some broth to the corn starch and put it in the soup. And I was starting to get some stew! I had stew, people! Near the end of cooking I threw in, at this point I couldn't just lay anything in there, a bit of cilantro. Then when I'd ladled it into my bowl I thought "what the hell," and sprinkled some Frank's hot sauce over the top. (Everything is improved by Frank's hot sauce.)

And it looked like this.





















And it wasn't awful. The beef was more tender than I was expecting, maybe the Guinness pummeled it into submission, there were still too many potatoes, the thicker sauce was nice and comfortable. But it wasn't that great. I looked down at my feet, and my socks were definitely not being knocked off.

I'm blaming the Guinness. I can drink it if I have to, but it's definitely not my beer of choice. I started thinking about nut brown ale. Wonder if that would give it a warmer, cozier taste.

No matter. I don't know that I'll try that recipe again. I have others in the bullpen I'm more interested in getting at. All I know is that the equation that got me interested in the first place is wrong. It's not "Coffee + Beer = Beef Stew."

I'm leaning more toward "Coffee + Beer + Regular Beef Stew = A Nice Night In."

Kielbasa stew is up next. And I have plenty of corn starch just in case.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* And the meal I made Tuesday night while the stew cooked? Well, folks, I made the best Reuben Sandwich I've ever made in my life. I can't wait to make it again. As soon as I go to the grocery again for more rye bread.