Who Am I to Talk? Mine in High School Was a G-Man!

It all started with a great laugh on a bad night.

The bad night first. That would be last night, the night of the Orange Bowl, where my beloved Hokies got their heads (and various other parts of their bodies) handed to them on a plate by Stanford. It was an abomination, yet I watched till the bitter end.

But now the great laugh.

On Facebook, my new pal, the Nephie's galpal, Miss A, made a comment about the only reason she was watching the game was that Stanford had the worst mascot in history. I hadn't seen it, so I asked her about it. I mean, Stanford is "The Cardinal," referring to their colors. I said, "What is it, a piece of red?"

Oh, no, came the missive from Miss A. It's a tree. She advised me to google it. And when I did, well, I mean, my Lord. I cracked up, and spent the entire rest of that awful game hoping for just one look at the thing. Sadly, that look did not come.

Then some other commenters on Facebook posted their examples of horrid college mascots, and I knew there was a blog in there somewhere. So I did some research today.

And what I found. Well, let me tell you!

I've always thought I was rather doomed with mascots. I went to high school at ol' Graham High, and we were the G-Men. We never had an actual mascot till I was a senior, when a brave soul decided to dress up as a G-Man, in trenchcoat and fedora, and wander the stadium. In the Nephie's days in the drumline, though, the whole drumline dressed as G-Men, in the same trenchcoats and fedoras, and that was cool beyond belief. But by then I was out of the picture.

And although I didn't go to Virginia Tech, they're "my guys." They play right there in B'burg, my second home, and I love them and going to their games. They're the Hokies. Well, uh, yeah. What in the hell can you do with that, right? However, the original name for the Hokies is the Fighting Gobblers, no better, I'm sure you'll agree, and their original mascot was adorable and I love him till this day.

























Then around 1985 or so they changed him to a more robust turkey, in fact, a turkey with breasts so big he needs a GG cup, but he's still fun and we all love him. You know, 'cause we're those weird folks who call ourselves Hokies.

























But believe it or not, there are schools out there cheering and rooting right along with their mascots, and their mascots are some seriously weird-ass creatures. There were pictures I saw right there, right there on the internet in front of God and everybody, that made my hair curl. Which sucked, because winter-time is the only time of the year I enjoy me some straight hair.

So let's get to it. I wanted to do a Top Ten list of the worst college mascots, but it became too upsetting, so I have to go with a Top Fifteen.

The Top Fifteen Worst College Mascots

15. The University of California at Santa Cruz, Banana Slug: Now, Marla (MarlaMarla) suggested this, and I have to say it's a dumb idea for a mascot. But then again, if you've ever seen "Pulp Fiction," you know that Vincent Vega wore a Banana Slug shirt in the movie. So, dumb mascot, but - cute mascot in foam rubber form, so he only weighs in at 15.




















14. University of Dayton, Rudy Flyer: I don't know, he's like a big gas station attendant with dark goggles. Dayton are the Flyers, this is true, but this dude has no plane to speak of, he's just walking around wondering what to do next. If you think about it, it gets a little creepy.























13. Providence College, Friar: Ick. This is not the type of Friar I would want to seek spiritual guidance from. (Maybe I should consult the DeepFatFriar on this dude.)


















12. Pepperdine, Wave: Doesn't this guy look like a fermented Max Headroom? In any case, Pepperdine, and waves in general, are supposed to be cool, and this poor fellow looks like he's in his worst pajamas and what are supposed to be ripped muscles come off as, well, more pajamas. Oh, the shame.

























11. Southern Illinois University, The Saluki: I've always thought the Saluki was a most beautiful dog. Well, until now. Sic' him, Milo! He can't fight back with those yellow teeth.



















10. North Carolina School for the Arts, Fighting Pickle: OK, this only makes the number 10 spot because NCSA only has intramural sports, and therefore, we'll never see the fighting pickle on ESPN. But he is indeed the official mascot of the school, so he deserves a mention. I'm not sure about the headphones, I guess he's listening to Kraftwerk, arty pickle that he is. All I know is that I've had pickles fight my digestive system late into the night, so he might be very feisty.

















9. Stanford, The Tree: Yep. That's him. He's a tree. Not even a cardinal red tree. He's a demented Christmas tree, the kind you see on Christmas Eve after too many egg nogs. He's as badly put together as your 80-year old Aunt Edna when she goes out to the store. And - he has no arms. So if he falls over - well, "Little help here? Little help for a fallen tree, please?"


















8. St Louis University, Billiken: I don't know who St Louis University is, and I don't know who Billiken is, either. He's some sort of mouse/cat/dog/thing hybrid who scares the children who dare to come to sporting events. And shame on him.



















7. Wichita State, WuShock: This came via Facebook comment from Mike the blogless. Yeah, he was right on the money, too. What the fuck? Is it an angry bale of hay? Is it the wheat we hope never makes it into our bread? Is it what shows up in our dreams when we eat pizza at 1am? I don't know. I'm just glad we don't play them.

























6. University of Tulsa, Captain Cane: Oooh. I guess that means a hurricane and not sugar cane. But really, who knows? I was so struck by this fellow because he reminds me of my Nervous Breakdown. I mean, look at that head!

























Now we're getting to the goodies, folks....

5. University of Nebraska, Lil' Red: Now, I have to tell you, my friends, Lil' Red is rather new to the fold. The stalwart Nebraska mascot is a foam rubber Cornhusker named Herbie Husker. Yes, he's a big foam rubber man with a cowboy hat who just wants to be a dentist. No, wait, that's Hermie Husker. This abortion of a mascot, this Lil' Red, showed up 10 or so years ago and is so horrid that every time we see him, my sister and I cry out "Corn Boy! Corn Boy!" as if our eyes are being gouged out. He is rubber and inflatable, and a blight on the land. Here you get a moving picture visual. If only I had a pin.




4. Xavier University, Blue Bob: What is he? And more importantly, should Cookie Monster sue? I don't know, but God help us, he's ugly. He should be killed immediately, if only for the shoes.

























3. University of Arkansas at Monticello, Boll Weevil: So that's what a boll weevil looks like. A new one on me. Looks like the love child of the Domino's Noids (remember them?) and the Great Gazoo. Imagine the shame of being this for a whole game.

























2. Scottsdale Community College, The Fighting Artichoke: You know, I've never fought an artichoke. Are they really that tough? I think if you got in a good knee-kick, you could take this vegetable down for the count.


















And yes, the Number One Worst College Mascot Ever -

1. Delta State University, The Fighting Okra: OK, let's get this right out of the way. I've fought with okra before. Fried some up, put it on a plate, and about two hours later, my intestines were in the fight of their lives. And they lost. So I guess there's something to this Fighting Okra thing. But Lord, have mercy, what a mascot. Have you ever seen anything quite so horrid? Is it an okra? A pickle? A cucumber? Well, they say he's an okra, and if that's true, I'm sure Delta State's opponents all over the schedule are sitting on toilets everywhere bemoaning their fates.





















So, there you go. Have one that's worse? Yeah, right. I dare you! Let me know!