Milo's School Days

Hello, blogees.

Life's been a little busy here in Betland. You know those hamster wheels that go round and round and round? And round? Yeah, that's about me.

But along with all the regular stuff, visiting Mom (she gets sprung from the rehab facility Saturday), taking care of Dad, work, stuff at home, etc etc till you want to puke, I of course have also been taking my boy Milo to obedience school at the Hi D Ho Academy.

Funny thing, that. I remember the blog I wrote when he got accepted. It was all about how I'd recite his valedictory address for you all.

And then.

And then, well, we got to class.

It was a tough seven weeks. Well, actually, it was a tough six weeks. The first week was without doggies, just the people, and we sat around talking about our pets. The second week we brought our dogs, and in a stunning coincidence, that was also the week my mom went into the hospital. So she's been confined for six weeks.

That second week we got to meet all the doggies. There was Dozer, the Bull Mastiff who at age 7 months weighed 80 pounds. Golden Retriever Duke, Golden Retriever Bruiser, and Weimeraner Buster. The only girl was a tall black, sleek doggie named Delilah. Cormac was the most adorable Newfoundland you ever saw in your life. And Riley, and Milo.

It became apparent immediately that Milo was not going to be Class Valedictorian. In fact, he was the second worst dog in the class. The worst dog, Riley, was very much like Milo. He was a pound puppy too, adorable, a bit high strung, and he and Milo were the only two dogs in class who didn't have the benefit of attending the Hi D Ho's Puppy Kindergarten. In other words, we were both at a disadvantage.

He and Milo also had the problem of not knowing any other dogs, so the minute they got out of the car for class, pandemonium ensued. Milo lunges. The Milo Skip, Taylor calls it. Hopping on hind legs as tight on the leash as it will go. Riley, however, barked. He barked so much that even our teacher, Miss Rosie, couldn't make him stop. She dropped clipboards and metal pails and everything else, and for the first few lessons (which were outside), Riley's mom finally just took him to a secluded piece of grass to work him where he could bark away.

And so Milo and Riley became very good friends, because they (and their moms) liked each other. And the owners of the well-behaved dogs didn't really want us playing with them. Ahhh, school can be so tough. (That's a bit of a lie - Cormac played with everyone. He was like the huge kid in class who played with you and knocked you out. *Whoomp!* with the paw.)

The learning went quickly at the Hi D Ho, and in the first few weeks we were working on sit, down, sit and stay, down and stay, not pulling on leash (the bane of my existence), and targeting. Targeting is where you hold out a palm and your dog touches his nose to it. I never thought Milo would have any interest in such a thing, but it turned out to be one of his favorite practice games.

Then came "distractions" (making your dog do all the above while people were running around trying to get his attention), and heel, and come, and stand and stay, and down from the standing position. And some weeks Milo and I would do good and some we'd not.

And it was about week four that I started to worry.

Because every time Miss Rosie mentioned something we'd be doing for graduation and it seemed impossible to me, I imagined getting that phone call the night before graduation telling me I really didn't need to make the trip for the ceremony.

Then something happened.

It happened around week five. That was the night in class where we were doing the sit to greet exercise, where we take our dogs up, one by one, to a sitting Miss Rosie, make them sit nicely, and if they stay sitting she will pet them. If they don't, she takes her hand away and they get no love.

So I took Milo up to Miss Rosie and he sat on command, but the minute he caught her eyes, he hopped up to get some love from her. And she smiled and said, "Oh, Milo, you are so cute, how can I not?" and patted him on the head. Then as we walked away, she said, "We need to get Milo his own TV show. He's just too cute."

I'd spent all my time in class up till then thinking that Miss Rosie didn't really like Milo or Riley because they weren't "worth saving," and I came to realize that that I think she liked them more. They didn't come into the course already knowing how to sit and stay and lie down. They were learning from scratch.

Two weeks before graduation Miss Rosie told us we were to teach our dogs a trick for graduation night. It could be anything, she gave us a list of suggestions, but a list without teaching methods, just suggestions. I was pretty freaked out about this, because I'd never even been able to get Milo to shake hands.

Of course, he has some neat tricks, some even on the suggestion list, but they were either things I didn't really teach him (fetching, singing to the clarinet), or things he couldn't really do in class (go into his crate on command, not jump on my lap till my dinner's done and my lap tray put away).

I got a couple of good suggestions, though. Mr M suggested his trick should be to sniff out truffles. I could take him around the room, let him sniff everything, then say, "OK, no truffles here!" Taylor suggested I get a Rubiks cube, take it to class, and say, "His trick was supposed to be working the Rubiks cube for you, but he got so excited he worked it in the car on the way over." I liked both of those, but, you know, I was still worried about his graduating, so I wanted something a little more substantial.

So we spent every day for two weeks learning a trick. He got shaking hands in one night. I was amazed. But I wanted more! I got him to climb up on a stool and shake hands, but that would require schlepping a stool to class, and besides, I had something else in mind.

What I wanted was for his trick to be "How a Good Doggie Greets People in Society Circles." He would shake hands for greeting the men, and give me a peck on each cheek for greeting the ladies.

He wasn't keen on the kissing, though. I thought targeting (remember? touching nose to palm) would be a way in, but he was having none of it. So every night during Cuddle Time in the chair, I'd just grab him, put my cheek on his nose and say, "Kiss!" Lo and behold, a few days later standing in the kitchen I bent down and said, "Kiss!" and up he popped to put his nose on my cheek.

So we had a trick. Now we had to practice all the other stuff! There just wasn't enough time, and the day of graduation I was seriously nervous. I have to say that Miss Rosie kind of hinted that there'd be no failures, but I had no idea what to expect, and, well, I wanted us to do well.

So we got to graduation a bit early, and I got Milo out of the car to have a pee and get some energy out of him, and we met Dozer and his mom. I said, "Can we play?" (you must ask!) and she said yes, so those two jumped and played and we talked. Then the doors opened and the 6pm Graduating Class tumbled out, and we all went inside. We took a place beside Riley, and things started.

It turned out to be so much fun. Everybody was loose and happy, and Miss Rosie already knew she was graduating everyone, so it was all good. We did certain things on the honor system, like getting four sits and four sits and downs out of our dogs with no treats to lead them. (We only got three sits and downs, but hey, that's not so bad. That's a B+, right?) We did sits and stays and downs and stays and she timed us, and Milo was just excellent there.

We did sits and stays while Miss Rosie walked around and tried to distract us, good job there ("Give that dog a treat!" she said after walking by Milo), then we had to, one at a time, do the dreaded sit to greet exercise with Miss Rosie in the chair. Lo and behold, Milo sat and got a pat on the head. (I credit quick thinking with success here - instead of sitting him facing her, I sat him in profile to her.)

























I have to tell you my most heartwarming moment was during the "come" exercise, where you have to give your dog to Rosie, then go across the room and get him to come to you. Both times we did it, Milo just burst across the room in such a headlong run to me that the entire class went, "Awwww!"

Then we played two games. The first was to see how many "push-ups" (going from sit to down to sit to down) our dogs could do in a minute. We got five, not bad for us, but the winner got eleven. Then we played Doggie Simon Sez, which I thought was an adorable idea, because it tested the dog (could he do the moves?) and the person (could we remember if Simon said it?). She gave smiley stickers to the last three teams standing, and Milo and I were one of them. Woooo!

Then we did our tricks. There were some shaking hands and a kiss, and my favorite was Duke, who actually went and got a newspaper and brought it to his owner. There was a high five and a turn around in a circle.

The weekend before graduation I was out shopping and actually found a Rubiks cube, and I couldn't resist the chance to use Taylor's joke. I took it with us and when it was our turn to do our trick, I said we were doing our "fall back trick." I pulled out the cube and said Milo was supposed to have worked it for the class but got too excited and did it in the car. There was a smattering of chuckles, but Miss Rosie thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud, slapping her knee. Then we did our shake hands and kisses, and the whole class "Awwww"ed again.

























Then it was graduation time. We were all pronounced graduates. And Miss Rosie, I swear to you this is true, went to the corner, got out a cassette player, and played a round of "Pomp and Circumstance" while we all got our diplomas. She gave the person the diploma, and the doggie got to dip into a big bin of toys and pull one out. Milo couldn't decide, so I helped him choose a nice green moon.

And so it was over. And suddenly we were all equal, and Milo got to play with all those dogs and people that initially weren't so keen. We said goodbye to Riley, and the most adorable thing - the two were running as hard as they could on their leashes, on the slick tile floor, so they weren't going anywhere. It was like a race with no distance.

And so it's time to sum it all up.

I'm glad we made it through, but I wonder if we'd have done better without a hospitalized Granny and a spate of Oktoberfest performances to deal with. Or would it have mattered, because I still feel like all his high-energy jumping and all is just that he's still full of puppy.

I made a decision to do something completely different from anything I've ever done, and met some nice people and doggies in doing so.

Milo and I had a really good bonding experience, and I've even used some of what we've learned in real life.

I realized I have more patience than originally thought.

And most of all, we had fun. I didn't bitch a single time about tearing out of work, grabbing Milo's things, and heading down the road. I looked forward to it, even on those nights when I wasn't particularly prepared. The times I made a total fool of myself (and there were two major ones), I just laughed and tried to forget about it. And I kept telling myself that Milo and I may not have done our exercises the best, but we surely liked each other the most.

After that first week when I was feeling kind of hopeless, my sister took a turn at dogsitting Milo. When I went to pick him up, all she did was rave about what a good dog he is. "And I told Milo something, too. I told him when he goes to the Hi D Ho next week, he can just tell Miss Rosie to suck it, because he's a good dog!"

Well, of course, I now know that Miss Rosie's good people and she did have a soft spot in her heart for Milo after all. But that one statement really helped me go to the next few classes. Because I had a think - and I realized I don't want an agility trials dog, I don't want Rin Tin Tin. I want a nice doggie who can learn a few new moves and not maul people when he meets them and not pull me all over town from his leash. And I have that.

But I also wanted to graduate the class. I have that too.

After hearing about intermediate obedience class, Milo and I have decided maybe higher education isn't for us. We're going to learn a trade, join the union... and wait for our chance at a TV show.

























Betland's Olympic Update:
* I blogged. Maybe now with Granny home and no traveling, I can do it more often. I'm making no promises, though!

Milo News and Notes (Brrrf!)

Hello. I'm sitting here with nothing much to say, so I thought I'd give you a little update on my boy. Milo. Milo, who's probably having trouble learning his name because along with Milo I also call him Dippy Dog, Doggie Dude, Boo, Mr Bibbibbibbibbb (an "Auntie Mame" reference, that), Mr Thing, Mr Wonderful, Babybabebabe, Moon Pie, Sweetheart, Cuteface, and the occasional Taylor. I have no idea why I find myself calling the dog by the Nephew's name. I'm old. It's OK - Mr M sometimes slips and calls him Alice.

Well, I'll be boarding Doggie Dude again next weekend, when Mr M and I go off on another jaunt. A jaunt after which I'll come home to a whole week's vacation. I can't wait. The Tuesday of that week will be the first Hi-D-Ho Academy obedience class, but the first class is for people only. Orientation, I guess, where we hear all about how if anything goes wrong it's our fault and we'd better be prepared to accept the blame. That and tuition paying.

As I mentioned in last night's blog, Babybabebabe had a fun-filled evening Saturday while I was at Oktoberfest. There's no way he could have jumped that gate into the dennette, I'm now thinking he climbed it. It has little openings in it. Anyway, I'm still amazed he was such a good boy, with nary a pee nor poo, and all my wires seem to be intact.

Sunday morning I watched the clip on CBS Sunday Morning about Bill Geist getting his first-ever dog, and if you didn't follow the link on last night's Olympic Update, here it is again. You really should watch it, but in case you're not up for it, I'll give you the punch line. The puppy Mr Geist adopts - it's Mr Thing! Well, it's Miss Thing. A female, named Daphne, who looks so much like Milo I screamed aloud when she made her first appearance in the segment. Three different people (Mr M, Stennie, and my sister) told me I should send Mr Geist a picture of Milo, and so you know what? I did! Along with a nice note telling him how much I enjoyed his piece.

I've decided that if Mr Wonderful has a purpose in life - you know, some dogs are meant to be hospital visitors, cheering the sick, some are meant to be rescue dogs, digging through rubble for survivors - that Milo's purpose is to find lost socks for everyone on earth. This dog is absolutely crazy for socks. I hide them in my bedroom so he won't carry them away, and he finds every single one. And sometimes I'll miss him a few minutes, and when he finally reappears he's found a lone sock I'd given up on finding long ago. Maybe he could be a rescue dog digging through the rubble if the survivors beneath take off their shoes.

Our favorite morning game is "Shoe Time." I sit on the bed with my shoes and socks, and he attacks my feet and my socks while I'm trying to put them on. Then he attacks my shoes and shoelaces.

Tonight, however, Mr Bibbibbibbibbb dispensed with the sock finding and was gone a few minutes, turning up dragging my Sauerkraut Band dirndl into the living room. The whole thing - dress, blouse, and apron. He's very talented.

Also tonight, Cuteface gave me a fat lip. No, he wasn't mad at me, we were playing and it was a classic case of "his head, my mouth." But my lip is all swollen. No big deal, but funny.

Two of my favorite Taylor (the dog, not the nephew) things involve his crate. The first is that this puppy is so good, all I have to do is go to the crate with a treat and he comes to me, stands there while I take off his leash, then he walks into the crate and turns around, waiting for his treat, praise, and pat on the head. The other happens on Friday and Saturday nights, when I'm usually up later than the other nights. I'll be happily playing around here on the computer, and Milo will go in the kitchen, get his pink blankie out of his crate, and carry it into the dennette. Then he'll bunch it up and lay on it a while. Then he'll go get his blue blankie from the crate, carry it in too, and bunch it up and lay on it. Like, "Hey, you're obviously not putting me to bed, and I'm getting sleepy here."

Oh, and I've been practicing the clarinet a little at home, and Moon Pie loves to climb up on the couch beside me and howl. Now see, this unnerves Mr M to no end when it happens at his house, he gets mad and yells, but I think it's funny. I don't yell, I laugh, and eventually he stops. But I've figured out middle E-flat is his favorite howling note. It's his tuning note.

Oh! Last week I bought Dippy Dog a new toy. See, he has a squeaky cupcake that he just loves. It's hard and chewy, and he just lays on his back and puts it between his front paws and chews on it. It's also very realistic - it makes me want a cupcake. Well, last week I bought him a squeaky donut made by the same company. Nice and realistic, it's a chocolate-covered with white icing on it. I gave it to him and he went nuts, running around the house squeaking it.

Later that very evening, I noticed him playing with something, well, chewing on something, and it wasn't squeaking, so I got nervous. I figured he'd found something, perhaps a sock, that he wasn't supposed to have. I got up to get a closer look, and he had - eaten his donut. Completely eaten the top part of it. He ate the icing off it. It wasn't pleasant the next morning at poo time.

Ah, the times we have. Milo's a sweetie. He's a good doggie.

Betland's Olympic Update:
* Acrowinners, we have acrowinners! So, it was one of those days? Tell me.
- Honorable Mentions go to Marla (marlamarla), with her "Annoying Discussions About Boys' Orgasms In Stereo," and LilyG, with her "Ate dirt, angered boss, oh,it's shitty."
- Runner-Up goes to Kellie (with an ie), with her "Ate. Diarrhea. A Bus. Onboard, I Stressed." That cracked me up.
- However, this week's winner goes to Patrick (my little love), and now, I have to say it's not fair to the others. He had more than three entries, but they all combined to make such a "one of those days" it was amazing. My fault lies in not making the contest one where all three entries combine to make the worst day. But Patrick did it, and he wins. His day? "Actually, days are better over icy Stroh's. After dinner, Andy broke out in song. And Dumb Alice bitched out Isaac's sister. Also, Dave agreed, Bill Overmeyer is stupid. (Any drink a buddy overlooked, I stole.)" Now that's brilliant.
- Thanks to all who played, you've all done very well!